Q.

I was dating a girl for about one month. We had not been intimate. I went on a boat cruise, and before the boat left, I impulsively and drunkenly texted her that I wanted her to be my girlfriend. She responded, "I would like to talk about it in person, but of course." 

After being on the cruise for several nights, I ended up getting intimate with another passenger. I immediately thought, "Oh, I have to tell her what happened," but before I spoke to her, I sought the advice of family, friends, and the Internet. Essentially, everybody recommended that I do not say anything to her. So when I saw her in person, I asked her to be my girlfriend again, but this time face-to-face. She agreed, and we were intimate for the first time. She then said, "I'm glad I can now call you my boyfriend. Can we make today the official starting date of our relationship?" I agreed, and thought this worked out perfectly.

What happened on vacation was before we were officially dating, and also before anything intimate with us had happened. My friends and family all agreed I should feel no guilt. Even though I agree, I am still faced with a lot of guilt. I think about it EVERY day, and I feel overwhelmed by what I did. Should I tell her? Or, should I not tell her? If you think I shouldn't, how can I stop feeling guilty?

—Stuck

A.

Dear Stuck,

When people decide to spill their guts about a past diversion, it’s either to support their relationship, or to sap it. You seem to be certain about this girl, so it's unlikely you want to sabotage your union. So what good would come from divulging your sexcapades before you were officially a couple?

As my Gilda-Gram™ says,


I suspect you’re suffering from unresolved guilt from a similar involvement in your past. Dig deep, and make peace with your history. Perhaps write a letter — and don’t send it — to the person you hurt. The objective is for you to wipe out the debilitating memories holding you back from enjoying love.

 —Dr. Gilda