Monday, August 28, 2017

Help! My Ex-Wife And New Wife Don't Get Along


*Original Content by Dr. Gilda Carle

Q.

I am a 41-year-old man who has been married to my second wife for two months. I have been divorced for over two years from my first wife and am having problems with my new wife. She thinks I am not making her the priority in my life. She feels run over when it comes to my first wife, especially when dealing with my two children from my first marriage. I have a 12-year-old girl and 8-year-old boy. My first wife can be very manipulative. Knowing that has caused some strife, but nothing we both weren't aware of before we got married. My wife is mother of two, and our children mix well together. I guess I try to avoid conflict with the ex, which probably doesn't help with my new wife. I just want all parties to get along as best we can, but that seems not likely anytime soon. My wife has been divorced for over seven years and her son lives with his father five hours away. My ex lives five minutes away, and so we deal with my ex on a daily basis because of my kids. Any advice is welcome.

—Husband in the Middle

A.

Dear Husband,

After only two months, you admit you both knew the issues “before we got married.” Did you think marriage would change things? Your problem is exactly what you sheepishly admit: “I guess I try to avoid conflict with the ex, which probably doesn't help with my new wife.” Dude, when a woman marries a man, she expects that he’ll protect her. If she “feels run over” by wife number one, she’ll feel run over by a lackluster you. Here’s what to do:

1) You’re not Switzerland, so stop your “peace at any price” fantasy.

2) Start taking an obvious stand on your new wife’s side.

3) Refuse your first wife’s manipulations.

Unless you alter the behaviors that remain from your first marriage, you’ll just be repeating the same steps in a different ballroom.

—Dr. Gilda

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Friday, August 18, 2017

Do You Believe The Adage of "Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater"?



**Original Content by Dr. Gilda Carle**

Do you believe the adage of "once a cheater, always a cheater"? I instead believe the answer lies in the motivation and character of the cheater in question.

People only take one second to determine whether they find someone sexually attractive. Then in only three minutes, they decide whether they want to see that person again. That's how quickly we decide if a prospective mate should be in our life -- for better or for worse, and usually, when it happens that quickly, it's for worse. Over and out!

For example, my client, Marilyn, quickly concluded that the man she had just met was The One. But as she got to know Lothario, she soon discovered that he remained in touch with all his ex-wives, ex-fiancés and ex-girlfriends. And this dude's harem appeared to be very crowded, since he had been married to four different women -- and engaged eight times. Lothario told Marilyn that all these women were now "just friends." I told her that I concur with the When Harry Met Sally school of thought when it comes to exes: the sexual tension between our plugs and outlets makes platonic gender friendship nearly impossible.

Lothario admitted that all his marriages ended because of his infidelity. However, he insisted that with Marilyn things would be different because she was different. How many times have I heard that? Marilyn asked me if a cheater could change.

Does a leopard change its spots? Well, in a perfect animal kingdom, if a leopard COULD change its spots, perhaps it would prefer to trade its traditional spots for stripes or something more fashionable. But NO PRODDING FROM ANOTHER ANIMAL would initiate this change if the leopard were happy living its usual leopard life, spots included.

Did Marilyn's boyfriend WANT to change his cheating ways? Why would he? From the looks of it, he'd been deliriously happy "staying with friends" all around town. But, to be fair, even if he did want to turn over a new bedspread, how could Marilyn trust him to become faithful after a history of total dishonesty? Marilyn heard me, but still hoped her promiscuous alley cat would become a devoted house pussy. I told her this would be a stretch for him, and she should adjust her expectations accordingly.

There are two schools of thought on whether a cheater can change; some believe that once an infidel crosses the line, the protective seal on the bottle of Love Potion #9 is irreparably broken. Others feel that just because someone cheated in one relationship, it doesn't mean that person will cheat in all relationships. So, where did that leave Marilyn's beau, who historically cheated in every relationship? While it was flattering for Lothario to tell Marilyn she was "different" from the pack, how reliable could his disavowals be?

I asked Marilyn to ponder these two questions to guide her in her pursuit of this potentially reckless love:

(1) Do you perceive your future with Lothario as a courtship or a battleship? (Tiger Woods' ex-wife might help you answer that!) As you may know, I'm called "The Country Music Doctor." A favorite song of mine is Miranda Lambert's "White Liar." Dressed in her bridal gown and already in front of the minister, she's about to wed her cheating fiancé. But right before Miranda utters "I do," she drops the bomb that not only does she know about his dalliances, but she's had a few of her own. This is pure revenge, country music style. Then the former bride-to-be smugly walks off with her lover, leaving her almost-husband in the dust. This song allows listeners to safely play that "gotcha" game by proxy, clearly only a vicarious thrill. I asked Marilyn if she liked the idea of always having to scope out Lothario when she's not available to babysit him. Also, would she want to expend her energies concocting complex "gotcha" maneuvers as payback for his potential bad behavior?

(2) If Lothario did promise to change, would Marilyn trust him to keep his body parts to himself in the future?  There are always opportunities to cheat. I name serial cheaters "cheataholics" because they are rarely motivated by sex alone. Some are obsessed with the thrill of the chase. Some look to forever polish a poor self-image or mirror the role models they've seen all their lives. Others cheat because they believe they can get away with it. The worst are some combination of the above. I asked Marilyn if she knew Lothario well enough to size up his true motivations. Did she know what incentive he might have -- besides winning her devotion -- to permanently change his ways? Marilyn being "different" was not a good enough ploy; everyone is different at first blush.

I instructed Marilyn to level with Lothario. As my Gilda-Gram says,


Instead, Marilyn chose to hide her concerns, hoping Lothario would arrive at an epiphany in time! Don't hold your breath, honey.

Robert was another one who held back from discussing his disintegrating marriage with his wife. He told me, "I know she is cheating! Last month she said she didn't love me anymore and she wanted a divorce. After five years of marriage, this hurt so much. I guess she no longer finds me sexy." While Robert blamed his spouse's infidelity on his diminished sex appeal, the truth was that this couple never faced what was really happening in their relationship. Cheating is often a cop-out coping mechanism people misguidedly use to distract from deeper issues.

I have worked with hundreds of couples, married and single, with cheating issues. I wrote How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats (Coming Soon To Amazon Kindle) to help couples restore their love after an affair. The book shows evidence that unless two unhappy people readily admit they have a problem and are willing to work on it together, it will only get worse.

Could Marilyn's relationship go forward? I told her I didn't know how. She's now married to a terrific guy who bears no resemblance to Lothario in his words and deeds. She trusts him and enjoys peace of mind in their relationship. While Marilyn wasn't happy with my advice about Lothario, she can't stop thanking me now that she's chosen someone else!


– Dr. Gilda

***
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Thursday, August 10, 2017

He Says He Loves Me, But Are We Just Hooking Up?

Q.

The guy that I have been talking to on and off for a year doesn't want a relationship with me. Why?! We started talking over a year ago and we hook up fairly often. He has even told me that he is in love with me, which is something I never expected from him. He doesn't like to talk about his feelings or what's going on in his head. We have been out on one real date and he would rather spend time with his friends on the weekends than with me. I only see him after 10 at night, and only if I go to his house. He gets super jealous at the thought of me talking to other guys, and I don't think he is talking to anyone else either. He has always been honest with me. He just says it's not the right time for us to be together right now. Am I wasting my time?

 —Frustrated

A.

Dear Frustrated,

You ought to change your signature to “Booty Call” –because that’s all you are to this player. To keep you coming around, he’ll tell you he is “in love” with you, and say he’s “super jealous.” Girlfriend, the only thing you can believe is dude’s actions. And they’ve already proven that he prefers spending time with his homies to being with you! The excuse that it’s “not the right time” for the two of you to be together is bogus! It explains that the “right time” is only after 10 p.m. at his place, so there’s no disruption in lothario’s routine. Learn this Gilda-Gram®: “Assess love by the level of inconvenience someone endures for you.”


Honey, a ready erection in the middle of the night is hardly a love connection!

—Dr. Gilda

***
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Tuesday, August 8, 2017

I Cheated On Her Before She Was My 'Girlfriend ' — Do I Confess?

Q.

I was dating a girl for about one month. We had not been intimate. I went on a boat cruise, and before the boat left, I impulsively and drunkenly texted her that I wanted her to be my girlfriend. She responded, "I would like to talk about it in person, but of course." 

After being on the cruise for several nights, I ended up getting intimate with another passenger. I immediately thought, "Oh, I have to tell her what happened," but before I spoke to her, I sought the advice of family, friends, and the Internet. Essentially, everybody recommended that I do not say anything to her. So when I saw her in person, I asked her to be my girlfriend again, but this time face-to-face. She agreed, and we were intimate for the first time. She then said, "I'm glad I can now call you my boyfriend. Can we make today the official starting date of our relationship?" I agreed, and thought this worked out perfectly.

What happened on vacation was before we were officially dating, and also before anything intimate with us had happened. My friends and family all agreed I should feel no guilt. Even though I agree, I am still faced with a lot of guilt. I think about it EVERY day, and I feel overwhelmed by what I did. Should I tell her? Or, should I not tell her? If you think I shouldn't, how can I stop feeling guilty?

—Stuck

A.

Dear Stuck,

When people decide to spill their guts about a past diversion, it’s either to support their relationship, or to sap it. You seem to be certain about this girl, so it's unlikely you want to sabotage your union. So what good would come from divulging your sexcapades before you were officially a couple?

As my Gilda-Gram™ says,


I suspect you’re suffering from unresolved guilt from a similar involvement in your past. Dig deep, and make peace with your history. Perhaps write a letter — and don’t send it — to the person you hurt. The objective is for you to wipe out the debilitating memories holding you back from enjoying love.

 —Dr. Gilda

***
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Thursday, August 3, 2017

Help! My Husband Doesn't Want Me -- But My Ex-Boyfriend Does


Q: I met my husband 5 years ago. We married last year and had a baby after much convincing on my part. Now, he ignores me, never makes time for me or our son and we rarely have sex, maybe once every few months. Recently, an old boyfriend contacted me, telling me he'd made a mistake and wants me back. He knows I'm married -- it’s like he knows I'm unhappy, despite my efforts to convince him I'm happy. He is promising me happily ever after, for me and my son. Why does my ex want me when my husband ignores me? Why does my ex want to make me happy, make my son's life amazing, and my husband seems not to care? I love my husband, but now that my ex has pointed it out to me, am I making a mistake by staying married?
 --Unhappily Ever After
Dear Unhappily Ever After,
Girlfriend, guys are hunters whose pursuit for prey takes precedence over even winning their prize! You're a challenge to this cad who's already walked. Good riddance, dude! He knows you're miserable, and you're coyly and dishonestly encouraging him because of your own self-serving needs.
Hubby felt conned into fatherhood, and he avoids sex so he won't be conned again. Instead of looking to fly to Neverland, put your efforts into your marriage, with counseling. If your spouse refuses to go, make the trek yourself. My Gilda-Gram advises,
"Discard your junk before deciding to switch houses."
Otherwise, any new relationship will find you buried beneath the same heap of rubbish.
 --Dr. Gilda
Check out all my Kindle Books on Amazon.com
They are FREE for Kindle Unlimited Subscribers!

 
***

About: Dr. Gilda Carle is the media’s Go-To Relationship and Lifestyle Expert, serving private clients worldwide at www.DrGilda.com. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University Medical Center, and hosts TBN TV shows. As President of Country Cures® at www.CountryCures.org, she uniquely applies ‎Country Music to train Homeless Female Veterans in Civilian Success Skills. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Sprint, Cottonelle, Galderma Pharmaceuticals, Match.com, etc. She is a keynote motivational speaker, Management Consultant, Professor Emerita, and author of 17 books, including “Don’t Bet on the Prince!” (test question on “Jeopardy”) and “How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats” (literary award winner from London Book Festival). She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the ‎therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner, “Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah. She hosted MTV Online’s “Love Doc,” and was the TV host for Fox’s “Dr. Gilda” show.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

My Boyfriend Is Sexting Another Woman



Q: I have been dating a guy for eight months. He calls me his "playtoy," not his “girlfriend,” to his friends and co-workers. But he is always sweet, saying he misses me and cares.  I’m ashamed I went through his text messages, but when I did, I saw him sexting a girl he knew in high school. I was upset and asked about this. He said it’s no big deal, and they’ve been sexting for years. I asked if he saw me in his future, and he replied he's still figuring stuff out. Should I be heading for the door? I can't be with another emotionally unavailable guy, and I'm wondering if I'm just so jaded that I either don't see the red flags or that I’m looking for ones that aren't there.

 —Sexting Her, Dating Me

Dear Sexting Her, Dating Me,

The moment you feel compelled to question if someone sees you in his crystal ball, that’s the moment you’ve derived your answer!  Dude is a player.  And he even calls you his “play TOY.”  Which syllable of “play-er” don’t you get? Saying he misses you and cares is not showing he misses you and cares. If you trusted him, you wouldn’t be rummaging through his texts. But now that you know he’s sexual with someone on the side, why are you still hanging on?

You say, “I can’t be with another emotionally unavailable guy.” Girlfriend, what do you think you’re with now?  It’s not being jaded that’s giving you tunnel vision; it’s your desperation for love. Dump the dude, build your trust, and find a partner who truly believes you’re “girlfriend” material.

 —Dr. Gilda

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They are FREE for Kindle Unlimited Subscribers!


***
About: Dr. Gilda Carle is the media’s Go-To Relationship and Lifestyle Expert, serving private clients worldwide at www.DrGilda.com. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University Medical Center, and hosts TBN TV shows. As President of Country Cures® at www.CountryCures.org, she uniquely applies ‎Country Music to train Homeless Female Veterans in Civilian Success Skills. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Sprint, Cottonelle, Galderma Pharmaceuticals, Match.com, etc. She is a keynote motivational speaker, Management Consultant, Professor Emerita, and author of 17 books, including “Don’t Bet on the Prince!” (test question on “Jeopardy”) and “How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats” (literary award winner from London Book Festival). She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the ‎therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner, “Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah. She hosted MTV Online’s “Love Doc,” and was the TV host for Fox’s “Dr. Gilda” show.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

My Fiancé Dumped Me — But I Still Want Him Back

Q: My now ex-boyfriend and I were together for four years, the last of which we were engaged. We've always had a lot of fights and disagreements, but I thought that was just the way we were, and we got through them.

Then, right in the thick of wedding planning, he told me he isn't happy with himself or our relationship, and he broke up with me. He said he loves me, but he can't be with me anymore. Now we're in the process of dividing up our home, our mutual friends, and four years of love. I want him back, but he says he will never change his mind. Is there anything I can do?

 — Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

Girl, I feel your pain. But no matter how badly you’d like this to work, you can’t Super Glue a disinterested ex to your life.

So to answer your final question in a word: “No!” There’s nothing you can do — but heal. Part of your healing must include analyzing what REALLY went down over the years, and how YOU contributed to the “fights and disagreements.” Chaos is never okay because it’s “the way we were.” Relationships must offer a haven from the turbulent world, not more upheaval. Apparently, boyfriend realized that, and is choosing a new chapter. So should you!

— Dr. Gilda

Check out all my Kindle Books on Amazon.com
They are FREE for Kindle Unlimited Subscribers!

***
About: Dr. Gilda Carle is the media’s Go-To Relationship and Lifestyle Expert, serving private clients worldwide at www.DrGilda.com. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University Medical Center, and hosts TBN TV shows. As President of Country Cures® at www.CountryCures.org, she uniquely applies ‎Country Music to train Homeless Female Veterans in Civilian Success Skills. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Sprint, Cottonelle, Galderma Pharmaceuticals, Match.com, etc. She is a keynote motivational speaker, Management Consultant, Professor Emerita, and author of 17 books, including “Don’t Bet on the Prince!” (test question on “Jeopardy”) and “How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats” (literary award winner from London Book Festival). She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the ‎therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner, “Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah. She hosted MTV Online’s “Love Doc,” and was the TV host for Fox’s “Dr. Gilda” show.