Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Should I Hope For The Best, Or Cut My Losses?




*Original Content by Dr.Gilda Carle

Q.


I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. He is great but he travels from weeks to months at a time for his job. When he leaves, our relationship always takes a negative twist where we lose communication and fight, leaving me at home lonely and depressed. Although I think that he could be "the one," and he makes pretty decent money, how much time away is too much to have a good relationship? If I can't handle it now, will I be able to deal with it in the future when or if we have kids? He will miss holidays and birthdays and have no set schedule. How important should a job be to the future success of a relationship? I need a partner who will be there for me, physically and emotionally. Should I hope for the best, or cut my losses? 

—Want It All

A.


Dear Want It All,

The hysterically funny movie “Mom’s Night Out” will give you a true glimpse of motherhood’s demands. You’ll watch a mother’s stress over her husband’s travels, but you’ll also learn that a mom’s striving for perfection is what will do her in.

Girlfriend, you have a “great” guy who’s financially rewarded for his extensive travel. Creating arguments to manipulate his staying home is no path to love. Only a self-assured woman could be with a traveling spouse, and perhaps you need someone regularly by your side! Sister, if that’s the case, find a better match. 


—Dr. Gilda



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Tuesday, October 17, 2017

I'm In Love With My Best Friend, And Others Disapprove



*Original Content By Dr. Gilda Carle

Q.


I am recently (three months) divorced and I have fallen in love with my best friend. He is divorced about a year and he feels the same. We have been friends for 25 years. While our feelings for each other didn't cause our divorces of long-term marriages, in the past few years, we've spent more time together — as friends — but I think it awakened us to how misfit we each felt in our relationships. When we each turned 40, we decided to make changes in our lives.

We both have teenage children and some very close family (parents, siblings). We've started appearing in public together as a couple, but the disapproval is strong — not for each of us as people, but because it looks like something was going on before the divorces and that's what caused them. I know I didn't leave my husband for him, and I feel lucky to have found love again. Should we put it on hold for the sake of appearances, or do we tell them life is short and we're happy? Help! 

—Best Friends & Lovers

A.


Dear BF&L,

Who’s running your lives? My book, “Don’t Bet on the Prince!,” distinguishes between internally controlled people and those who are externally malleable. For externals, onlookers always have something to say — once you give them a bullhorn!

To put your romance on hold, or even respond, “for the sake of appearances,” invites further judgments. Instead, show who you are and what you deserve by following this Gilda-Gram: “Praise and blame are both the same.”



Internally-directed people ignore both! Smile at objections, as though you never heard them, alter your body language, and change the subject. Commentators will either get it, or get going. Either way, you’ve learned the valuable lesson of asserting your power. Congrats! 


—Dr. Gilda

Friday, September 29, 2017

Help! Seeing My Boyfriend's Son Makes Me Jealous Of His Past


*Original Content by Dr. Gilda Carle

Q.

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year now. We moved in together after dating for four months. I believe he is my soul mate and I want things to work with us. He has a past that is hard for me to get over. He was previously married for about three months and has a son with her. I try to get along with his son (who is 5). He has medical issues and is hyper, and I dread seeing him every other weekend because it makes me think of my boyfriend’s previous life. The worst part for me is thinking he had everything with someone, and I'm jealous of that. My boyfriend is thinking about ending the relationship because I keep rehashing my jealousy. I feel horrible for even being jealous. What can I do to get past this so I can build a relationship with his son and we can be a family?

 —Feeling Insignificant

A.

Dear Feeling Insignificant,

Girlfriend, why are you taking your personal beef out on an innocent 5-year-old? Does your guy give you a hard time because you’re not as virginal as newly fallen snowflakes? You say your boyfriend “is thinking about ending the relationship because [you] keep rehashing [your] jealousy.” Who would blame him? No healthy person wants to live with someone constantly haranguing him over a past he can’t change.

Seek counseling. In the meantime, list the things boyfriend loves about you. When you’re together, focus only on those things. Remind yourself that he’s with you because he wants to be. And remember that it will be your present behavior that will sabotage getting “things to work” in your future!

 —Dr. Gilda

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Wednesday, September 20, 2017

How Do I Get Him To Propose?


*Original Content By Dr. Gilda Carle

Q.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for nine years, and we’ve been living together for three. Although we feel as though we’re married, I want to make it official. Recently, a relative offered to give my boyfriend my grandma's wedding rings. I'm not supposed to know, but he has accepted them. It has been a month since then and it is driving me crazy that he hasn't proposed. He knows I do want to be married someday, and I'm beginning to lose patience. Is there anything I can do or say to get him to propose?

—Wanna-Be Bride

A.

Dear Wanna-Be Bride,

Your boyfriend accepted rings he did not choose. He accepted your relative’s lobbying for your marriage. After 12 years together, if not for the ring offer, your guy might have sustained your single status indefinitely. So it appears obvious why he hasn’t gotten down on one knee yet. Girlfriend, he needs to feel he still has control over the future everyone else is planning for him!

Stop your self-indulgent demands, and consider his needs. Appreciate that he accepted the rings and does intend to marry you—but know that he’s going to follow HIS timetable.  If you push your own agenda, you’ll resemble a bridezilla he may want to flee.

—Dr. Gilda

***
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Friday, September 8, 2017

How Do I Make My Children Comfortable With My Dating Life?

*Original Content by Dr. Gilda Carle
Q.
I'm a 45-year-old woman who has been divorced for less than a year. About six months ago, I reconnected with a friend I've known for 30 years. We hit it off and began a relationship. However, he lives 1,000 miles from me. We see each other occasionally, but talk all the time and have developed a strong bond. Recently, he and his two teenage children came to stay the weekend at my house with my teenagers. We had a great time and I thought everyone got along great.
Then I got a text from my ex-husband, with whom I have a very cordial relationship, and with whom I share residential custody. He said my daughter felt weird having the company. She denies it and relayed the conversation to me in which she claims he asked her the leading question, "Weren't you uncomfortable?" How can I tell if it really is my daughter who was uncomfortable, or if it is my ex that is, and what do I do about either problem? I don't feel I did anything inappropriate, no one shared my bedroom, but this is already upsetting the delicate post-divorce balance.
—Divorced with Children
A.
Dear Divorced with Children,
This is a new status for all of you, so while navigating “the delicate post-divorce balance,” consider this Gilda-Gram®: 

Here are the facts:
- Kids try to make both divorced parents happy, and may inadvertently feel they’re in the middle of a tug of war.

- Melancholy naturally strikes exes when a former spouse begins dating. There’s the reality of “We can’t go back to what it is,” expressed so well in the Keith Urban and Miranda Lambert duet, “We Were Us.”

- Romance should be kept out of view of kids—until a relationship becomes permanent.
Of course, you don’t want to make your daughter “uncomfortable.” But you need not detail your love life either. Asking her to level with you about her feelings will cement your mother/daughter bond.
—Dr. Gilda  
***
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Monday, August 28, 2017

Help! My Ex-Wife And New Wife Don't Get Along


*Original Content by Dr. Gilda Carle

Q.

I am a 41-year-old man who has been married to my second wife for two months. I have been divorced for over two years from my first wife and am having problems with my new wife. She thinks I am not making her the priority in my life. She feels run over when it comes to my first wife, especially when dealing with my two children from my first marriage. I have a 12-year-old girl and 8-year-old boy. My first wife can be very manipulative. Knowing that has caused some strife, but nothing we both weren't aware of before we got married. My wife is mother of two, and our children mix well together. I guess I try to avoid conflict with the ex, which probably doesn't help with my new wife. I just want all parties to get along as best we can, but that seems not likely anytime soon. My wife has been divorced for over seven years and her son lives with his father five hours away. My ex lives five minutes away, and so we deal with my ex on a daily basis because of my kids. Any advice is welcome.

—Husband in the Middle

A.

Dear Husband,

After only two months, you admit you both knew the issues “before we got married.” Did you think marriage would change things? Your problem is exactly what you sheepishly admit: “I guess I try to avoid conflict with the ex, which probably doesn't help with my new wife.” Dude, when a woman marries a man, she expects that he’ll protect her. If she “feels run over” by wife number one, she’ll feel run over by a lackluster you. Here’s what to do:

1) You’re not Switzerland, so stop your “peace at any price” fantasy.

2) Start taking an obvious stand on your new wife’s side.

3) Refuse your first wife’s manipulations.

Unless you alter the behaviors that remain from your first marriage, you’ll just be repeating the same steps in a different ballroom.

—Dr. Gilda

***
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Friday, August 18, 2017

Do You Believe The Adage of "Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater"?



**Original Content by Dr. Gilda Carle**

Do you believe the adage of "once a cheater, always a cheater"? I instead believe the answer lies in the motivation and character of the cheater in question.

People only take one second to determine whether they find someone sexually attractive. Then in only three minutes, they decide whether they want to see that person again. That's how quickly we decide if a prospective mate should be in our life -- for better or for worse, and usually, when it happens that quickly, it's for worse. Over and out!

For example, my client, Marilyn, quickly concluded that the man she had just met was The One. But as she got to know Lothario, she soon discovered that he remained in touch with all his ex-wives, ex-fiancés and ex-girlfriends. And this dude's harem appeared to be very crowded, since he had been married to four different women -- and engaged eight times. Lothario told Marilyn that all these women were now "just friends." I told her that I concur with the When Harry Met Sally school of thought when it comes to exes: the sexual tension between our plugs and outlets makes platonic gender friendship nearly impossible.

Lothario admitted that all his marriages ended because of his infidelity. However, he insisted that with Marilyn things would be different because she was different. How many times have I heard that? Marilyn asked me if a cheater could change.

Does a leopard change its spots? Well, in a perfect animal kingdom, if a leopard COULD change its spots, perhaps it would prefer to trade its traditional spots for stripes or something more fashionable. But NO PRODDING FROM ANOTHER ANIMAL would initiate this change if the leopard were happy living its usual leopard life, spots included.

Did Marilyn's boyfriend WANT to change his cheating ways? Why would he? From the looks of it, he'd been deliriously happy "staying with friends" all around town. But, to be fair, even if he did want to turn over a new bedspread, how could Marilyn trust him to become faithful after a history of total dishonesty? Marilyn heard me, but still hoped her promiscuous alley cat would become a devoted house pussy. I told her this would be a stretch for him, and she should adjust her expectations accordingly.

There are two schools of thought on whether a cheater can change; some believe that once an infidel crosses the line, the protective seal on the bottle of Love Potion #9 is irreparably broken. Others feel that just because someone cheated in one relationship, it doesn't mean that person will cheat in all relationships. So, where did that leave Marilyn's beau, who historically cheated in every relationship? While it was flattering for Lothario to tell Marilyn she was "different" from the pack, how reliable could his disavowals be?

I asked Marilyn to ponder these two questions to guide her in her pursuit of this potentially reckless love:

(1) Do you perceive your future with Lothario as a courtship or a battleship? (Tiger Woods' ex-wife might help you answer that!) As you may know, I'm called "The Country Music Doctor." A favorite song of mine is Miranda Lambert's "White Liar." Dressed in her bridal gown and already in front of the minister, she's about to wed her cheating fiancé. But right before Miranda utters "I do," she drops the bomb that not only does she know about his dalliances, but she's had a few of her own. This is pure revenge, country music style. Then the former bride-to-be smugly walks off with her lover, leaving her almost-husband in the dust. This song allows listeners to safely play that "gotcha" game by proxy, clearly only a vicarious thrill. I asked Marilyn if she liked the idea of always having to scope out Lothario when she's not available to babysit him. Also, would she want to expend her energies concocting complex "gotcha" maneuvers as payback for his potential bad behavior?

(2) If Lothario did promise to change, would Marilyn trust him to keep his body parts to himself in the future?  There are always opportunities to cheat. I name serial cheaters "cheataholics" because they are rarely motivated by sex alone. Some are obsessed with the thrill of the chase. Some look to forever polish a poor self-image or mirror the role models they've seen all their lives. Others cheat because they believe they can get away with it. The worst are some combination of the above. I asked Marilyn if she knew Lothario well enough to size up his true motivations. Did she know what incentive he might have -- besides winning her devotion -- to permanently change his ways? Marilyn being "different" was not a good enough ploy; everyone is different at first blush.

I instructed Marilyn to level with Lothario. As my Gilda-Gram says,


Instead, Marilyn chose to hide her concerns, hoping Lothario would arrive at an epiphany in time! Don't hold your breath, honey.

Robert was another one who held back from discussing his disintegrating marriage with his wife. He told me, "I know she is cheating! Last month she said she didn't love me anymore and she wanted a divorce. After five years of marriage, this hurt so much. I guess she no longer finds me sexy." While Robert blamed his spouse's infidelity on his diminished sex appeal, the truth was that this couple never faced what was really happening in their relationship. Cheating is often a cop-out coping mechanism people misguidedly use to distract from deeper issues.

I have worked with hundreds of couples, married and single, with cheating issues. I wrote How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats (Coming Soon To Amazon Kindle) to help couples restore their love after an affair. The book shows evidence that unless two unhappy people readily admit they have a problem and are willing to work on it together, it will only get worse.

Could Marilyn's relationship go forward? I told her I didn't know how. She's now married to a terrific guy who bears no resemblance to Lothario in his words and deeds. She trusts him and enjoys peace of mind in their relationship. While Marilyn wasn't happy with my advice about Lothario, she can't stop thanking me now that she's chosen someone else!


– Dr. Gilda

***
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Thursday, August 10, 2017

He Says He Loves Me, But Are We Just Hooking Up?

Q.

The guy that I have been talking to on and off for a year doesn't want a relationship with me. Why?! We started talking over a year ago and we hook up fairly often. He has even told me that he is in love with me, which is something I never expected from him. He doesn't like to talk about his feelings or what's going on in his head. We have been out on one real date and he would rather spend time with his friends on the weekends than with me. I only see him after 10 at night, and only if I go to his house. He gets super jealous at the thought of me talking to other guys, and I don't think he is talking to anyone else either. He has always been honest with me. He just says it's not the right time for us to be together right now. Am I wasting my time?

 —Frustrated

A.

Dear Frustrated,

You ought to change your signature to “Booty Call” –because that’s all you are to this player. To keep you coming around, he’ll tell you he is “in love” with you, and say he’s “super jealous.” Girlfriend, the only thing you can believe is dude’s actions. And they’ve already proven that he prefers spending time with his homies to being with you! The excuse that it’s “not the right time” for the two of you to be together is bogus! It explains that the “right time” is only after 10 p.m. at his place, so there’s no disruption in lothario’s routine. Learn this Gilda-Gram®: “Assess love by the level of inconvenience someone endures for you.”


Honey, a ready erection in the middle of the night is hardly a love connection!

—Dr. Gilda

***
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Tuesday, August 8, 2017

I Cheated On Her Before She Was My 'Girlfriend ' — Do I Confess?

Q.

I was dating a girl for about one month. We had not been intimate. I went on a boat cruise, and before the boat left, I impulsively and drunkenly texted her that I wanted her to be my girlfriend. She responded, "I would like to talk about it in person, but of course." 

After being on the cruise for several nights, I ended up getting intimate with another passenger. I immediately thought, "Oh, I have to tell her what happened," but before I spoke to her, I sought the advice of family, friends, and the Internet. Essentially, everybody recommended that I do not say anything to her. So when I saw her in person, I asked her to be my girlfriend again, but this time face-to-face. She agreed, and we were intimate for the first time. She then said, "I'm glad I can now call you my boyfriend. Can we make today the official starting date of our relationship?" I agreed, and thought this worked out perfectly.

What happened on vacation was before we were officially dating, and also before anything intimate with us had happened. My friends and family all agreed I should feel no guilt. Even though I agree, I am still faced with a lot of guilt. I think about it EVERY day, and I feel overwhelmed by what I did. Should I tell her? Or, should I not tell her? If you think I shouldn't, how can I stop feeling guilty?

—Stuck

A.

Dear Stuck,

When people decide to spill their guts about a past diversion, it’s either to support their relationship, or to sap it. You seem to be certain about this girl, so it's unlikely you want to sabotage your union. So what good would come from divulging your sexcapades before you were officially a couple?

As my Gilda-Gram™ says,


I suspect you’re suffering from unresolved guilt from a similar involvement in your past. Dig deep, and make peace with your history. Perhaps write a letter — and don’t send it — to the person you hurt. The objective is for you to wipe out the debilitating memories holding you back from enjoying love.

 —Dr. Gilda

***
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Thursday, August 3, 2017

Help! My Husband Doesn't Want Me -- But My Ex-Boyfriend Does


Q: I met my husband 5 years ago. We married last year and had a baby after much convincing on my part. Now, he ignores me, never makes time for me or our son and we rarely have sex, maybe once every few months. Recently, an old boyfriend contacted me, telling me he'd made a mistake and wants me back. He knows I'm married -- it’s like he knows I'm unhappy, despite my efforts to convince him I'm happy. He is promising me happily ever after, for me and my son. Why does my ex want me when my husband ignores me? Why does my ex want to make me happy, make my son's life amazing, and my husband seems not to care? I love my husband, but now that my ex has pointed it out to me, am I making a mistake by staying married?
 --Unhappily Ever After
Dear Unhappily Ever After,
Girlfriend, guys are hunters whose pursuit for prey takes precedence over even winning their prize! You're a challenge to this cad who's already walked. Good riddance, dude! He knows you're miserable, and you're coyly and dishonestly encouraging him because of your own self-serving needs.
Hubby felt conned into fatherhood, and he avoids sex so he won't be conned again. Instead of looking to fly to Neverland, put your efforts into your marriage, with counseling. If your spouse refuses to go, make the trek yourself. My Gilda-Gram advises,
"Discard your junk before deciding to switch houses."
Otherwise, any new relationship will find you buried beneath the same heap of rubbish.
 --Dr. Gilda
Check out all my Kindle Books on Amazon.com
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***

About: Dr. Gilda Carle is the media’s Go-To Relationship and Lifestyle Expert, serving private clients worldwide at www.DrGilda.com. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University Medical Center, and hosts TBN TV shows. As President of Country Cures® at www.CountryCures.org, she uniquely applies ‎Country Music to train Homeless Female Veterans in Civilian Success Skills. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Sprint, Cottonelle, Galderma Pharmaceuticals, Match.com, etc. She is a keynote motivational speaker, Management Consultant, Professor Emerita, and author of 17 books, including “Don’t Bet on the Prince!” (test question on “Jeopardy”) and “How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats” (literary award winner from London Book Festival). She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the ‎therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner, “Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah. She hosted MTV Online’s “Love Doc,” and was the TV host for Fox’s “Dr. Gilda” show.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

My Boyfriend Is Sexting Another Woman



Q: I have been dating a guy for eight months. He calls me his "playtoy," not his “girlfriend,” to his friends and co-workers. But he is always sweet, saying he misses me and cares.  I’m ashamed I went through his text messages, but when I did, I saw him sexting a girl he knew in high school. I was upset and asked about this. He said it’s no big deal, and they’ve been sexting for years. I asked if he saw me in his future, and he replied he's still figuring stuff out. Should I be heading for the door? I can't be with another emotionally unavailable guy, and I'm wondering if I'm just so jaded that I either don't see the red flags or that I’m looking for ones that aren't there.

 —Sexting Her, Dating Me

Dear Sexting Her, Dating Me,

The moment you feel compelled to question if someone sees you in his crystal ball, that’s the moment you’ve derived your answer!  Dude is a player.  And he even calls you his “play TOY.”  Which syllable of “play-er” don’t you get? Saying he misses you and cares is not showing he misses you and cares. If you trusted him, you wouldn’t be rummaging through his texts. But now that you know he’s sexual with someone on the side, why are you still hanging on?

You say, “I can’t be with another emotionally unavailable guy.” Girlfriend, what do you think you’re with now?  It’s not being jaded that’s giving you tunnel vision; it’s your desperation for love. Dump the dude, build your trust, and find a partner who truly believes you’re “girlfriend” material.

 —Dr. Gilda

Check out all my Kindle Books on Amazon.com
They are FREE for Kindle Unlimited Subscribers!


***
About: Dr. Gilda Carle is the media’s Go-To Relationship and Lifestyle Expert, serving private clients worldwide at www.DrGilda.com. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University Medical Center, and hosts TBN TV shows. As President of Country Cures® at www.CountryCures.org, she uniquely applies ‎Country Music to train Homeless Female Veterans in Civilian Success Skills. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Sprint, Cottonelle, Galderma Pharmaceuticals, Match.com, etc. She is a keynote motivational speaker, Management Consultant, Professor Emerita, and author of 17 books, including “Don’t Bet on the Prince!” (test question on “Jeopardy”) and “How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats” (literary award winner from London Book Festival). She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the ‎therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner, “Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah. She hosted MTV Online’s “Love Doc,” and was the TV host for Fox’s “Dr. Gilda” show.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

My Fiancé Dumped Me — But I Still Want Him Back

Q: My now ex-boyfriend and I were together for four years, the last of which we were engaged. We've always had a lot of fights and disagreements, but I thought that was just the way we were, and we got through them.

Then, right in the thick of wedding planning, he told me he isn't happy with himself or our relationship, and he broke up with me. He said he loves me, but he can't be with me anymore. Now we're in the process of dividing up our home, our mutual friends, and four years of love. I want him back, but he says he will never change his mind. Is there anything I can do?

 — Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

Girl, I feel your pain. But no matter how badly you’d like this to work, you can’t Super Glue a disinterested ex to your life.

So to answer your final question in a word: “No!” There’s nothing you can do — but heal. Part of your healing must include analyzing what REALLY went down over the years, and how YOU contributed to the “fights and disagreements.” Chaos is never okay because it’s “the way we were.” Relationships must offer a haven from the turbulent world, not more upheaval. Apparently, boyfriend realized that, and is choosing a new chapter. So should you!

— Dr. Gilda

Check out all my Kindle Books on Amazon.com
They are FREE for Kindle Unlimited Subscribers!

***
About: Dr. Gilda Carle is the media’s Go-To Relationship and Lifestyle Expert, serving private clients worldwide at www.DrGilda.com. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University Medical Center, and hosts TBN TV shows. As President of Country Cures® at www.CountryCures.org, she uniquely applies ‎Country Music to train Homeless Female Veterans in Civilian Success Skills. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Sprint, Cottonelle, Galderma Pharmaceuticals, Match.com, etc. She is a keynote motivational speaker, Management Consultant, Professor Emerita, and author of 17 books, including “Don’t Bet on the Prince!” (test question on “Jeopardy”) and “How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats” (literary award winner from London Book Festival). She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the ‎therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner, “Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah. She hosted MTV Online’s “Love Doc,” and was the TV host for Fox’s “Dr. Gilda” show.

Monday, July 31, 2017

My Boyfriend Is Draining Me! What Should I Do?


Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for one year. After three months, I let him convince me to move in together. He was so sweet and thoughtful at first, but now he gets insecure. He doesn't want me to hang out with anyone else, even with female friends. He acts very selfish, controlling, and immature and never wants to take responsibility for his actions. He sets a double standard, so he feels he can do something, but I can't. Plus, he's very dramatic and can nag the heck out of everybody. On top of that, he is very condescending.

I made the mistake of giving up a lot for this relationship, including my schooling, while he was just taking and taking. I love him very much, but I'm starting to reach my limit with his crap. I know he loves me, but right now love doesn't seem to be enough. He's emotionally draining me, and I'm not sure what I should do.

— Confused Girl

Dear Confused Girl,

OK, I get that your boyfriend is "insecure," "controlling," "selfish," "immature," "dramatic," "nagging," "condescending," and a "taker" rather than a "giver." With all these “great” qualities, it's obvious why you say, "I love him" and "he loves me" — NOT! Lady, it's time to advance from being a "girl" to a "woman."

Sustainable relationships must enhance your status, not “emotionally drain” you. You say you "made the mistake of giving up a lot for this relationship." Now I’m confused. Why are you still unsure of what you "should do?” Follow this Gilda-Gram:

"If you’re in a miserable union, forget a 12-Step Program; you only need two steps: Get Up, Get OUT!!” 

— Dr. Gilda

Check out all my Kindle Books on Amazon.com
They are FREE for Kindle Unlimited Subscribers!


***
About: Dr. Gilda Carle is the media’s Go-To Relationship and Lifestyle Expert, serving private clients worldwide at www.DrGilda.com. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University Medical Center, and hosts TBN TV shows. As President of Country Cures® at www.CountryCures.org, she uniquely applies ‎Country Music to train Homeless Female Veterans in Civilian Success Skills. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Sprint, Cottonelle, Galderma Pharmaceuticals, Match.com, etc. She is a keynote motivational speaker, Management Consultant, Professor Emerita, and author of 17 books, including “Don’t Bet on the Prince!” (test question on “Jeopardy”) and “How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats” (literary award winner from London Book Festival). She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the ‎therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner, “Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah. She hosted MTV Online’s “Love Doc,” and was the TV host for Fox’s “Dr. Gilda” show.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Should I Give My Cheating Boyfriend One More Chance?


Q: I was with my boyfriend for about three years. I thought I was a great partner; I supported him when he was down — financially and emotionally — and I thought we were happy. Then I found out he was cheating with a neighbor, and this was the fifth time he had been unfaithful! I threw him out of my house.

We've been apart for six months, and he swears he will change. Now he’s crying for me to give him another chance, and when I ask who else he's seeing, he swears on his life there's no one else. But then I get into his phone records, and I find he's texting four other women. Again, he cries, begs, and tells me he needs someone to pay attention to him, since I am not there anymore. He says he can't stand life without me, and he'll do whatever it takes to get me back.

He's proven over and over that he cannot be with one woman. I offered him an open relationship and he was offended. Dare I even consider that this guy learned his lesson and is now finally ready to be honest with me and have his first grown-up relationship at 42? Yes, he's 42! Please, please help me.

 — One More Chance?

Dear One More Chance (no question mark!),

Dude got caught cheating, and now he says "he will change." "Will" is the operative word here. If he hasn’t yet, why should he now? Yet you are "daring" to "even consider that this guy learned his lesson and can be honest" now and is "finally ready to have his first grown-up relationship." Honey, you're living on Uranus! What would make the dude suddenly ready — at 42?

Face the facts: He admits that "he needs someone to pay attention to him." Translation: You'll have to breast-feed the infant 24/7 so he constantly feels nurtured. IS THIS REALLY OK WITH YOU? As you’ve considered an “open relationship,” and now a reunion, I’m afraid you're the one who needs to grow up!

— Dr. Gilda


Check out all my Kindle Books on Amazon.com
They are FREE for Kindle Unlimited Subscribers!

***
About: Dr. Gilda Carle is the media’s Go-To Relationship and Lifestyle Expert, serving private clients worldwide at www.DrGilda.com. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University Medical Center, and hosts TBN TV shows. As President of Country Cures® at www.CountryCures.org, she uniquely applies ‎Country Music to train Homeless Female Veterans in Civilian Success Skills. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Sprint, Cottonelle, Galderma Pharmaceuticals, Match.com, etc. She is a keynote motivational speaker, Management Consultant, Professor Emerita, and author of 17 books, including “Don’t Bet on the Prince!” (test question on “Jeopardy”) and “How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats” (literary award winner from London Book Festival). She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the ‎therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner, “Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah. She hosted MTV Online’s “Love Doc,” and was the TV host for Fox’s “Dr. Gilda” show.

Friday, July 28, 2017

Help! How Do I Make My Ex Love Me Again?

Q: I love this woman and want a second chance. Less than a month ago, my girlfriend and I ended our relationship. We have been friends since high school and stayed in touch for nine years. Recently, we started dating for six months. I was in a bad state after a seven-year relationship, but this girl was there for me, and helped bring me back to my old self. Even though we were in relationships, we hooked up a few times, and now have a lot of history. When she walked out, she said we moved too fast, and there’s no going back. However, she still texts me asking how I am, or just to chat. I deleted her from my Facebook because it hurt too much to see our pictures. This upset her. I truly believe we are meant for each other, but do you think I should let it go? I'm so confused. I would do anything to show her that I am the man she thought I was.

—Still Longing

Dear Still Longing,

Whoa, what kind of “man” did your girlfriend think you were? When you dated, you were a hot mess in need of rehab. A healthy woman looking for love avoids such catastrophes. But neither of you were healthy; she was cheating on her partner, as you were on yours. She partook in your sexual healing, but whatever her motives, stop interpreting them as “love.” Heed this Gilda-Gram™:


Girlfriend “walked out” after biting from your apple, but is peeved you’ve erased the reminder of her wormy core. Yes, you “should let [this player] go”! Be grateful she got you past your pain, but be thrilled that she left!

—Dr. Gilda

Check out all my books on Amazon.com
They are FREE for Kindle Unlimited Subscribers!


***
About: Dr. Gilda Carle is the media’s Go-To Relationship and Lifestyle Expert, serving private clients worldwide at www.DrGilda.com. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University Medical Center, and hosts TBN TV shows. As President of Country Cures® at www.CountryCures.org, she uniquely applies ‎Country Music to train Homeless Female Veterans in Civilian Success Skills. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Sprint, Cottonelle, Galderma Pharmaceuticals, Match.com, etc. She is a keynote motivational speaker, Management Consultant, Professor Emerita, and author of 17 books, including “Don’t Bet on the Prince!” (test question on “Jeopardy”) and “How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats” (literary award winner from London Book Festival). She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the ‎therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner, “Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah. She hosted MTV Online’s “Love Doc,” and was the TV host for Fox’s “Dr. Gilda” show.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Why Do I Date Unattainable Men?


Q: I'm sincerely trying to figure out why I date unattainable men. They're either married or long distance or in some other way unattainable. I can't figure out why. My childhood was one of chaos: my parents constantly fought, my mother would neglect my younger sister and I for days on end while she would go through one of her depression episodes, and our dad would just turn a blind eye to it all. My sister and I would have to take care of ourselves, which we did pretty well. We now own a house and went to college, but are still co-dependent with each other, even though we're in our 30s. My relationships have all been rocky, and the last one I finally ended had been going on for 10 plus years with a married older man. I'm scared of marriage because my parents' marriage was horrific. I want to grow and lead a productive life with a man, but I am wary of relationships.

—Afraid to Love

Dear Afraid to Love,

Your parents were “constantly” fighting, your mom was depressed, and your father wussed out in managing the chaos. Since you assessed men as weak, unreliable and “unattainable,” this is the type to whom you naturally gravitate.

However, you and your sister “did pretty well” in bonding and protecting each other to evolve to strong female survivors! Girl, count those blessings and list all your alpha traits. Take that list to a therapist, and from this day forward, focus only on those assets. Also surround yourself with people in healthy relationships, so you see how enriching love can be. When you deliberately build positive templates, you’ll conceive and receive the love you want.

—Dr. Gilda

Check out all my Kindle Books on Amazon.com
They are FREE for Kindle Unlimited Subscribers!


***
About: Dr. Gilda Carle is the media’s Go-To Relationship and Lifestyle Expert, serving private clients worldwide at www.DrGilda.com. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University Medical Center, and hosts TBN TV shows. As President of Country Cures® at www.CountryCures.org, she uniquely applies ‎Country Music to train Homeless Female Veterans in Civilian Success Skills. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Sprint, Cottonelle, Galderma Pharmaceuticals, Match.com, etc. She is a keynote motivational speaker, Management Consultant, Professor Emerita, and author of 17 books, including “Don’t Bet on the Prince!” (test question on “Jeopardy”) and “How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats” (literary award winner from London Book Festival). She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the ‎therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner, “Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah. She hosted MTV Online’s “Love Doc,” and was the TV host for Fox’s “Dr. Gilda” show.

My Cheating Husband Lost Our Money. What Do I Do?


Q: My husband and I have been married for 32 years. We have seven wonderful children and seven grandchildren. He has often "chased rainbows" financially, lost our dream home in some overseas investments that turned out to be a scam, lost lots of money to his foolish decisions, and filed bankruptcy three times. Sixteen months ago, I had a gut feeling that something wasn't right. He was making poor financial decisions again, and trying to talk family members into doing the same. While uncovering this activity, I discovered porn on his phone and our home computer. He allowed my older boys to take the blame. I also found his profile on a website for married cheaters. I was devastated. To top it off, he started seeing a female psychic with whom he fell in love. They both admitted their romantic feelings for each other, but to this day, they refuse to discontinue contact, saying they will "just remain friends." My husband does not want a divorce; he wants his cake and wants to eat it, too. I am broken-hearted and devastated.

— Loving Wife

Dear Loving,

You've been a doormat for over three decades, while Hubby's been in Fantasia, bankrupting your family, searching for cheating partners, purveying porn sites, blaming your sons, and refusing to leave his latest "love"! Woman, dude's abusive — and he's eating his cake on the table you've set! As my Gilda-Gram says, 


Your move is next!

Prepare your artillery:

1. Stop playing "broken-hearted and devastated "victim." Read my book, "Don't Bet on the Prince!," and convert your lower case "i" ("Boo, hoo, i've been played.") into capital "I" ("I am done!).

2. Accept the humor in this debacle: Hubby's with a "psychic" who can't "see" him as the loser he is. They deserve each other!

Apply the power you haven't realized you've had all these years.

— Dr. Gilda

Check out all my Kindle Books on Amazon.com
They are FREE for Kindle Unlimited Subscribers!


***
About: Dr. Gilda Carle is the media’s Go-To Relationship and Lifestyle Expert, serving private clients worldwide at www.DrGilda.com. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University Medical Center, and hosts TBN TV shows. As President of Country Cures® at www.CountryCures.org, she uniquely applies ‎Country Music to train Homeless Female Veterans in Civilian Success Skills. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Sprint, Cottonelle, Galderma Pharmaceuticals, Match.com, etc. She is a keynote motivational speaker, Management Consultant, Professor Emerita, and author of 17 books, including “Don’t Bet on the Prince!” (test question on “Jeopardy”) and “How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats” (literary award winner from London Book Festival). She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the ‎therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner, “Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah. She hosted MTV Online’s “Love Doc,” and was the TV host for Fox’s “Dr. Gilda” show.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Sugar Daddy Wanting Girlfriend


Q: I am a 46-year-old man with two children. I caught my last girlfriend of 7 months cheating. She appeared to be happy as a part of my ready-made family, but in the end, I guess she needed something different. She is 17 years my junior, and like a lot of women, she says she likes men my age. It is good for my ego to date younger women, but I’m concerned about our future. Why do younger women prefer older men with kids?

— Sugar Daddy Wanting Girlfriend

Dear Sugar Daddy,

Anthropologically, men want “honey” to breed beautiful offspring, and women want “money” to sustain the progeny. Older guys with kids are presumably established and can support their younger mates. But soon they complain their nubile nymphs seek only their resources, while the sirens tire of father figures too sedentary for their wild hearts.

You admit, “It is good for my ego to date younger women.” Duh, daddy! Do you want arm candy or love? You worry, “I’m concerned about our future.” You should be! My Gilda-Gram asserts, “To sustain love, park your ego and reveal your truth.” Dude, if you don’t end the affect, each new babe will continue to flee that boring bassinet you share.

 —Dr. Gilda

Check out all my Kindle Books on Amazon.com
All Free for Kindle Unlimited Subscribers!


***
About: Dr. Gilda Carle is the media’s Go-To Relationship and Lifestyle Expert, serving private clients worldwide at www.DrGilda.com. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University Medical Center, and hosts TBN TV shows. As President of Country Cures® at www.CountryCures.org, she uniquely applies ‎Country Music to train Homeless Female Veterans in Civilian Success Skills. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Sprint, Cottonelle, Galderma Pharmaceuticals, Match.com, etc. She is a keynote motivational speaker, Management Consultant, Professor Emerita, and author of 17 books, including “Don’t Bet on the Prince!” (test question on “Jeopardy”) and “How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats” (literary award winner from London Book Festival). She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the ‎therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner, “Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah. She hosted MTV Online’s “Love Doc,” and was the TV host for Fox’s “Dr. Gilda” show.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Are Men Turned Off Because I'm ‘Curvy’?



Q: I am a curvy girl, size 12. My online dating profile says I'm curvy, and my pictures show that. I am active and I have big boobs and big hips. I'm not fat, but I'm not skinny or slender or average. I find that the men I meet don't know what they want. In fact, they've been very rude to me, some actually telling me to lose weight. Will I ever be able to find love?

—Curvy Girl Needs Love

Dear Curvy,

Visualize “curvy” as a gorgeous woman such as Ashley Graham, Queen Latifah, or someone else. While this word apparently elicits “fat” for some men, describe your body type to males using one of these women’s names.

When I was in college, I gained—then lost—20 pounds. Two years later, I bumped into a guy I had dated earlier, who said my body had become much too thin! So, girlfriend, thin is not appealing to all men. Today, the dress size of the average American woman is 14—which actually makes you underweight by such standards! It’s all in your packaging. Think of yourself as beautiful, and you’ll project yourself as beautiful—and attract a man who finds your curves delicious.

 —Dr. Gilda

Check out all my Kindle Books on Amazon.com



***
About: Dr. Gilda Carle is the media’s Go-To Relationship and Lifestyle Expert, serving private clients worldwide at www.DrGilda.com. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University Medical Center, and hosts TBN TV shows. As President of Country Cures® at www.CountryCures.org, she uniquely applies Country Music to train Homeless Female Veterans in Civilian Success Skills. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Sprint, Cottonelle, Galderma Pharmaceuticals, Match.com, etc. She is a keynote motivational speaker, Management Consultant, Professor Emerita, and author of 17 books, including “Don’t Bet on the Prince!” (test question on “Jeopardy”) and “How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats” (literary award winner from London Book Festival). She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBOs Emmy Award winner, Telling Nicholas, featured on Oprah. She hosted MTV Onlines Love Doc,” and was the TV host for Fox’s “Dr. Gilda” show.


Thursday, July 20, 2017

Why Do I Sabotage My Relationships?


Q: I seem to always find myself in a relationship, even when I'm not looking to be in one. Around the third year, I start to get antsy and seem to sabotage the relationship somehow. We get very close to an engagement and a marriage and I take off running. I've thrown away many wonderful men and relationships and make myself feel like I don't deserve a happily ever after. What's wrong with me?

—Runaway Bride

Dear Runaway,
There are three simple steps to loving: hook ‘em, hug ‘em, and hold ‘em. Apparently, you do the first two quite well. And girl, I know tons of women who’d like to learn your secret of always being in a relationship! 
But you’re correct: you feel you don’t deserve love. To pump up your ego—and theirs—you play guys’ heart strings like harp strings. Men stick with you because hunters love the challenge of winning their prey. But three long years of superficial love games? Are you kidding? Either you should win an Oscar, or your paramours are awfully dense!
Reality check, please! You and your men need depth perception. Loving requires mutual caring beyond the shallow wining and dining!  How many three-year letdowns do you think your dating life will withstand?
 —Dr. Gilda

Check out all my Kindle Books on Amazon.com.



***
About: Dr. Gilda Carle is the media’s Go-To Relationship and Lifestyle Expert, serving private clients worldwide at www.DrGilda.com. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University Medical Center, and hosts TBN TV shows. As President of Country Cures® at www.CountryCures.org, she uniquely applies ‎Country Music to train Homeless Female Veterans in Civilian Success Skills. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Sprint, Cottonelle, Galderma Pharmaceuticals, Match.com, etc. She is a keynote motivational speaker, Management Consultant, Professor Emerita, and author of 17 books, including “Don’t Bet on the Prince!” (test question on “Jeopardy”) and “How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats” (literary award winner from London Book Festival). She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the ‎therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner, “Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah. She hosted MTV Online’s “Love Doc,” and was the TV host for Fox’s “Dr. Gilda” show.