Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Should I Hope For The Best, Or Cut My Losses?




*Original Content by Dr.Gilda Carle

Q.


I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. He is great but he travels from weeks to months at a time for his job. When he leaves, our relationship always takes a negative twist where we lose communication and fight, leaving me at home lonely and depressed. Although I think that he could be "the one," and he makes pretty decent money, how much time away is too much to have a good relationship? If I can't handle it now, will I be able to deal with it in the future when or if we have kids? He will miss holidays and birthdays and have no set schedule. How important should a job be to the future success of a relationship? I need a partner who will be there for me, physically and emotionally. Should I hope for the best, or cut my losses? 

—Want It All

A.


Dear Want It All,

The hysterically funny movie “Mom’s Night Out” will give you a true glimpse of motherhood’s demands. You’ll watch a mother’s stress over her husband’s travels, but you’ll also learn that a mom’s striving for perfection is what will do her in.

Girlfriend, you have a “great” guy who’s financially rewarded for his extensive travel. Creating arguments to manipulate his staying home is no path to love. Only a self-assured woman could be with a traveling spouse, and perhaps you need someone regularly by your side! Sister, if that’s the case, find a better match. 


—Dr. Gilda



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Tuesday, October 17, 2017

I'm In Love With My Best Friend, And Others Disapprove



*Original Content By Dr. Gilda Carle

Q.


I am recently (three months) divorced and I have fallen in love with my best friend. He is divorced about a year and he feels the same. We have been friends for 25 years. While our feelings for each other didn't cause our divorces of long-term marriages, in the past few years, we've spent more time together — as friends — but I think it awakened us to how misfit we each felt in our relationships. When we each turned 40, we decided to make changes in our lives.

We both have teenage children and some very close family (parents, siblings). We've started appearing in public together as a couple, but the disapproval is strong — not for each of us as people, but because it looks like something was going on before the divorces and that's what caused them. I know I didn't leave my husband for him, and I feel lucky to have found love again. Should we put it on hold for the sake of appearances, or do we tell them life is short and we're happy? Help! 

—Best Friends & Lovers

A.


Dear BF&L,

Who’s running your lives? My book, “Don’t Bet on the Prince!,” distinguishes between internally controlled people and those who are externally malleable. For externals, onlookers always have something to say — once you give them a bullhorn!

To put your romance on hold, or even respond, “for the sake of appearances,” invites further judgments. Instead, show who you are and what you deserve by following this Gilda-Gram: “Praise and blame are both the same.”



Internally-directed people ignore both! Smile at objections, as though you never heard them, alter your body language, and change the subject. Commentators will either get it, or get going. Either way, you’ve learned the valuable lesson of asserting your power. Congrats! 


—Dr. Gilda

Friday, September 29, 2017

Help! Seeing My Boyfriend's Son Makes Me Jealous Of His Past


*Original Content by Dr. Gilda Carle

Q.

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year now. We moved in together after dating for four months. I believe he is my soul mate and I want things to work with us. He has a past that is hard for me to get over. He was previously married for about three months and has a son with her. I try to get along with his son (who is 5). He has medical issues and is hyper, and I dread seeing him every other weekend because it makes me think of my boyfriend’s previous life. The worst part for me is thinking he had everything with someone, and I'm jealous of that. My boyfriend is thinking about ending the relationship because I keep rehashing my jealousy. I feel horrible for even being jealous. What can I do to get past this so I can build a relationship with his son and we can be a family?

 —Feeling Insignificant

A.

Dear Feeling Insignificant,

Girlfriend, why are you taking your personal beef out on an innocent 5-year-old? Does your guy give you a hard time because you’re not as virginal as newly fallen snowflakes? You say your boyfriend “is thinking about ending the relationship because [you] keep rehashing [your] jealousy.” Who would blame him? No healthy person wants to live with someone constantly haranguing him over a past he can’t change.

Seek counseling. In the meantime, list the things boyfriend loves about you. When you’re together, focus only on those things. Remind yourself that he’s with you because he wants to be. And remember that it will be your present behavior that will sabotage getting “things to work” in your future!

 —Dr. Gilda

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Wednesday, September 20, 2017

How Do I Get Him To Propose?


*Original Content By Dr. Gilda Carle

Q.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for nine years, and we’ve been living together for three. Although we feel as though we’re married, I want to make it official. Recently, a relative offered to give my boyfriend my grandma's wedding rings. I'm not supposed to know, but he has accepted them. It has been a month since then and it is driving me crazy that he hasn't proposed. He knows I do want to be married someday, and I'm beginning to lose patience. Is there anything I can do or say to get him to propose?

—Wanna-Be Bride

A.

Dear Wanna-Be Bride,

Your boyfriend accepted rings he did not choose. He accepted your relative’s lobbying for your marriage. After 12 years together, if not for the ring offer, your guy might have sustained your single status indefinitely. So it appears obvious why he hasn’t gotten down on one knee yet. Girlfriend, he needs to feel he still has control over the future everyone else is planning for him!

Stop your self-indulgent demands, and consider his needs. Appreciate that he accepted the rings and does intend to marry you—but know that he’s going to follow HIS timetable.  If you push your own agenda, you’ll resemble a bridezilla he may want to flee.

—Dr. Gilda

***
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Friday, September 8, 2017

How Do I Make My Children Comfortable With My Dating Life?

*Original Content by Dr. Gilda Carle
Q.
I'm a 45-year-old woman who has been divorced for less than a year. About six months ago, I reconnected with a friend I've known for 30 years. We hit it off and began a relationship. However, he lives 1,000 miles from me. We see each other occasionally, but talk all the time and have developed a strong bond. Recently, he and his two teenage children came to stay the weekend at my house with my teenagers. We had a great time and I thought everyone got along great.
Then I got a text from my ex-husband, with whom I have a very cordial relationship, and with whom I share residential custody. He said my daughter felt weird having the company. She denies it and relayed the conversation to me in which she claims he asked her the leading question, "Weren't you uncomfortable?" How can I tell if it really is my daughter who was uncomfortable, or if it is my ex that is, and what do I do about either problem? I don't feel I did anything inappropriate, no one shared my bedroom, but this is already upsetting the delicate post-divorce balance.
—Divorced with Children
A.
Dear Divorced with Children,
This is a new status for all of you, so while navigating “the delicate post-divorce balance,” consider this Gilda-Gram®: 

Here are the facts:
- Kids try to make both divorced parents happy, and may inadvertently feel they’re in the middle of a tug of war.

- Melancholy naturally strikes exes when a former spouse begins dating. There’s the reality of “We can’t go back to what it is,” expressed so well in the Keith Urban and Miranda Lambert duet, “We Were Us.”

- Romance should be kept out of view of kids—until a relationship becomes permanent.
Of course, you don’t want to make your daughter “uncomfortable.” But you need not detail your love life either. Asking her to level with you about her feelings will cement your mother/daughter bond.
—Dr. Gilda  
***
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