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Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Gilda-Gram® "The so-called “winner” in a love triangle wins a booby prize he/she can never trust."

When a Single pursues a mate who belongs to someone else, it’s a clear sign that she herself fears intimacy. Somewhere in her unconscious, she believes that she doesn’t deserve a mate of her own, and she probably suffers from a case of low self-esteem.

In her thinking, whether conscious or unconscious, she would feel better about herself as the winner of a mate’s affections in a tough competition. This is a triad that replays the childhood game of mommy, daddy, and baby-makes-three, where baby continues to compete for the attention of one parent over another. That’s the motive usually behind a Single who competes against a would-be mate’s spouse.

Usually, the outsider must play to her unavailable mate’s schedule, which makes her own life insignificant. But even if she eventually wins the love of her otherwise attached crush, Trust is the immeasurable ability to count on your partner as much as you can count on yourself. The partner you may have stolen away from his spouse now has a history of cheating. Since he’s already done so before, he’s destined to repeat his disloyalty. But even if a Single would rather believe he won’t, how can she ever be sure?

Singles who continue to pursue unavailable partners must discover the reason they avoid a lover who is emotionally and physically within reach. It usually centers on what she believes she deserves. A person’s Deserve Level sets the stage for which she achieves everything or nothing in her life. If a woman doesn’t feel she deserves to have a happy and monogamous relationship, this Deserve Level will dictate her future. When she raises her Deserve Level, that level is what magically appears.
Rather than blame your mate for not leaving his current partner to whom he’s attached, question why you even want to put up with the drama of being with someone who is not available. The hardest part of this questioning is to level with yourself. Do you truly believe you deserve the full enchilada? Or do you think you’re really just entitled to a few measly crumbs? When you realize your motives, you’ll attract a partner who can return your love.

About: ‪‎Dr. Gilda‬ Carle is the media’s Go-To ‪‎Relationship‬ and ‪‎Lifestyle‬ ‪‎Expert‬, serving private clients worldwide at www.DrGilda.com. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for ‪‎Columbia University‬ Medical Center, and hosts TBN TV shows. As President of Country Cures® at www.CountryCures.org, she uniquely applies ‪‎Country Music‬ to train ‪‎Homeless‬ Female ‪‎Veterans‬ in Civilian ‪‎Success‬ Skills. She has served as product spokesperson for ‪‎Hallmark‬, Harlequin, Sprint, Cottonelle, Galderma Pharmaceuticals, Match.com, etc. She is a ‪‎keynote‬ ‪‎motivational‬ ‪‎speaker‬, ‪‎Management Consultant‬, ‪‎Professor‬ Emerita, and ‪‎author‬ of 15 ‪‎books‬, including “Don’t Bet on the Prince!” (test question on “Jeopardy”) and “How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats” (literary award winner from London Book Festival). She wrote the weekly “30-Second ‪‎Therapist‬ ” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the therapist in HBO’s ‪‎Emmy Award‬ winner, “Telling Nicholas,” featured on ‪‎Oprah‬. She hosted MTV Online’s “Love Doc,” and was the TV host for Fox’s “Dr. Gilda” show pilot. 


Thursday, April 14, 2016

10 Relationship Red Flags by Dr. Gilda Carle





Because so many people have asked for this, I have devised a Cheataholic Checklist that consists of 10 unusual Relationship Red Flags that can signal oncoming danger.  This Checklist ignites your brain’s 120-millisecond mechanism that warns that you have fallen for one of these Relationship Red Flags in the past.  All you need to do is listen to what your brain tells you!

Of course, relationships are comprised of people, and people change their behavior and their wishes often.  So warning signs that apply to every situation and every personality every time won’t be the same for everyone.  However, there are some general guidelines that people can follow to determine a ready-to-betray mate.  Even if that person is already your partner, examining these guidelines can foster understanding and discussion towards graceful conflict resolution.  I believe in taking restorative healing steps before the opportunity to apply them disappears.

It’s easier to leave a cheataholic in the short term than to become more deeply involved with one over a long and painful haul, only having to exit later.  Similarly, it’s easier to re-ignite the sparks of passion gone astray than it is to wend your way back from a devastating betrayal.
Whether or not they choose to act on what they discover, partners can easily detect the signs of a cheataholic—if they only open their eyes.

Some signs are blatant, but a partner must still be willing to acknowledge that something is out of whack. Obvious signs consist of the mundane: the passenger seat in the car moved out of its usual position, evidence of a new post office box, hairs of a different color found on clothing, the smell of cigarette smoke or perfume, and hushed telephone calls and secret emails. If you feel your partner has pulled away even somewhat, the next step is to investigate why. While these obvious signs just mentioned are pretty common, there are other Red Flags that may or may not be so clear.

The following Cheataholic Checklist consists of 10 not-so-obvious Relationship Red Flags. This list will alert you to some warning traits you might not so readily observe. As you will see, these 10 were derived from burning questions from my clients and readers. When you recognize how your poor treatment is affecting your emotional well being, you will begin to acknowledge many other Red Flags.

CHEATAHOLIC CHECKLIST:
1. Your Partner Keeps You and Your Relationship a Secret
2. Your Partner is Emotionally Absent
3. Your Partner Savors “Exotic” Sex, But Never Shares These Fantasies with You
4. Your Partner’s Family and Friends Have a History of Cheating
5. Your Partner Wants You with No Strings Attached
6. Your Partner Admits to Cheating and Justifies the Betrayal
7. Your Partner has Never Been without a Mate
8. You Partner Craves Constant Attention
9. Your Partner is a Game Player
10. Your Partner Brags about Previous Conquests

***
About: ‪Dr. Gilda‬ Carle is the media’s Go-To Relationship and ‪Lifestyle‬ Expert, serving private clients worldwide at www.DrGilda.com. She has conducted Relationship ‪Wellness‬ ‪training‬ for ‪Columbia University‬ Medical Center, and hosts TBN TV shows. As President of Country Cures® at www.CountryCures.org, she uniquely applies ‪‎Country Music‬ to train ‪Homeless‬ Female ‪Veterans‬ in Civilian Success Skills. She has served as product spokesperson (Hallmark, Harlequin, Sprint, Cottonelle, Galderma Pharmaceuticals, Match.com, etc). She is a keynote motivational speaker, Professor Emerita, and ‪author‬ of 15 ‪books‬, including “Don’t Bet on the Prince!” (test question on “Jeopardy”) and “How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats” (literary award winner from London Book Festival). She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the ‪‎therapist‬ in HBO’s ‪Emmy Award‬ winner, “Telling Nicholas,” featured on ‪Oprah‬. She hosted MTV Online’s “Love Doc,” and was the TV host for Fox’s “Dr. Gilda” show pilot.

NEVER-Ask: “Why didn’t he call?" by Dr. Gilda Carle


NEVER-Ask The Question:  “Why didn’t he call?" 
SHOULD-Ask Question: “Did he say he’d call? (I was so busy, I forgot.”)

To be successful in love, the first thing you must do as a Single is be passionate about life at the time when you have no partner.  Become thoroughly immersed in your friends, the courses you’re taking, the books you’re reading, your tennis game, your gardening—or whatever.   Men are able to do this so much more successfully than women.

Gilda-Gram®
A woman who is interested
 becomes very interesting.

Being an interesting person is a necessity because of the abundance of well educated, attractive, available, and hungry potential partners seeking each other.  If you want your unique qualities to be perceived as special, present yourself as a special jewel.

It’s human nature for a person to want someone who is different, refreshing, and unique from the pack.  When you are immersed in the activities that turn you on, you yourself become a turn-on.  Then, an interested man will have to work to divert your attentions toward him.  That may take some doing.

As I write this, I can’t help but think of the George Clooney marriage to Amal Alamuddin. She is a woman drastically unlike those beauties in flesh-peddling businesses he had dated for years.  Amal is an internationally reputed human rights attorney, without enhanced body parts or semi-nude photos.  She has a conservatively “confident and stylish presence,” as People Magazine describes her, and an obvious abundance of grey matter.

When a man makes the investment of time and effort to win a woman’s heart, after he has achieved his goal, he appreciates the prize he’s won—and he very much wants to keep his commitments to her.  That’s basic psychology. 

But even within this realm, men and women have different perceptions of time.  When a guy tells a woman, “I’ll call you,” he means, “I’ll call you after I’ve taken care of the things I need to do.”  In contrast, a woman takes a man’s words literally, and she waits anxiously until he really does dial her digits—or, at least, emails or texts her. 

For many Single women, there’s nothing more depressing than having no message on their voice mail or text.  Therefore, if a woman is not excited by her own life, she buys into the man’s promise to call, and makes it her reason for living.  I bet that wasn’t the case with the woman George Clooney married.  She’s a busy attorney, who would not have time to wonder why he may not have called.  This woman would not have given away the independence that obviously turned him on in the first place.

Gilda-Gram®
We become more attractive when
our availability is scarce.


This is not to say that you should engage in playing games.  In fact, I strongly advise against any sort of game playing.  However, what you MUST do is really become absorbed in the passions you love, just because you want to be involved with them.  These, not a partner, should be your life’s goals.  Then, when the phone does ring, you will be surprised by that someone you had been too busy to even miss!  Better still, that person will be more intrigued by you because you have such an exciting, independent life!  That’s surely what turned on one of the most eligible bachelors on our planet, George Clooney.

***

About: Dr. Gilda Carle is the media’s Go-To Relationship and Lifestyle Expert, serving private clients worldwide at www.DrGilda.com. She has conducted Relationship Wellness training for Columbia University Medical Center, and hosts TBN TV shows. As President of Country Cures® at www.CountryCures.org, she uniquely applies ‎Country Music to train Homeless Female Veterans in Civilian Success Skills. She has served as product spokesperson for Hallmark, Harlequin, Sprint, Cottonelle, Galderma Pharmaceuticals, Match.com, etc. She is a keynote motivational speaker, Professor Emerita, and author of 15 books, including “Don’t Bet on the Prince!” (test question on “Jeopardy”) and “How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats” (literary award winner from London Book Festival). She wrote the weekly “30-Second Therapist” column for the Today Show, the “Ask Dr. Gilda” column for Match.com, and she was the ‎therapist in HBO’s Emmy Award winner, “Telling Nicholas,” featured on Oprah. She hosted MTV Online’s “Love Doc,” and was the TV host for Fox’s “Dr. Gilda” show pilot.