Here's my latest column on this week's edition of Today.com. It's called "How Do I Forgive a Cheater?"
I was commissioned to "cut through the fluff." How'd I do??
Sunday, March 25, 2012
In Spin Class this Sunday morning, the room was filled with doctors: an ophthalmologist ran the class, a neurologist sat beside me, a pharmacist was behind her, a dentist behind her, there was I, and there were others. Of course, a hospital is across the street. But it was comforting to know that on this morning, if anything were to go wrong, physically or emotionally, one of us could come to the rescue!! HAPPY SUNDAY! :)
Friday, March 23, 2012
Today.com has just begun to publish my new weekly women’s column, “30-Second Therapist.” http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/46834649/ns/today-relationships/#.T2yqBI5ozrO
30-Second Therapist is on their front page, and will continue to be there during their high trafficked weekend. Today.com has 18 million + readers!
Thank you for all your support!
SIDEBAR: My “ASK DR. GILDA” column for Match.com hit Yahoo today: http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=11366
AM I BEING SUPERFICIAL?
Dear Dr. Gilda,
I am a relatively nice-looking man and I’ve been told I look 10 years younger than I am, which sets me up for the first problem: Most women my age (and many who are younger) look much older than I do. Also, most of them outweigh me. To me, these are flaws. I do not look perfect and I do not expect perfection, but how can I be attracted to ladies who do not care about the way they look when I work hard to stay in halfway decent shape? I haven’t found anyone who is my physical type who also shares my values.
I know it’s shallow to start with looks, but I have to be attracted to a woman first. When they look so bad, I can’t get past it. How am I ever going to find love?
Looking for a Love Who Isn’t Perfect
Of course, physical attraction is a major part of falling in love. It also jump-starts your delicious libido. But when the superficial outweighs the plumpest of women you complain about, it’s time to take notes.
A twice-married client came to me because he was having no luck with women he was meeting online. He bemoaned that each prospect always fell short of his “type.” I’ve been counseling people for years and I have seen this “type” issue get in the way of too many potentially successful love matches.
I suggested my client date outside the box by deliberately experimenting with different “types.” He preferred blondes, so I told him to have tea with a brunette. He preferred tall, leggy ladies, so I directed him to have a drink with someone shorter. I wanted him to open his mind to the PEOPLE he was meeting rather than dismissing them solely because of their physical attributes.
But I also added another caveat: Before meeting any woman in person, he needed to lengthen his conversations with her online and on the phone. Also, when he finally did meet each woman, he was not allowed to proceed directly to the boudoir. Ordinarily, I suggest that singles meet potential mates in person as soon as they can to avoid developing unfounded fantasies. But this guy’s visual orientation was getting in the way of his ability to make wise dating choices, so we needed to keep the looks aspect off the table for a while.
Surprise, surprise: This same man learned that if he liked a woman once he got to know her better, her physical attributes became less important in establishing their connection. After trying this approach, he also found that he was no longer so anxious to jump into bed on first dates. He learned to savor the journey of discovery. When he finally did become intimate with someone, it came from a place of shared friendship and mutual respect. The quality of his lovemaking also improved significantly!
You SAY you’re looking for a love “that isn’t perfect.” But notice how you’ve set your standards: Each woman you date must be perfect according to your “type.” Where have these rigid standards gotten you so far in finding love? As my Gilda-Gram says, “When you always date as you’ve always done, you’ll end up going where you’ve always gone.” And for you, Looking, where you’ve gone is NOWHERE!
I suggest you follow the exercise I created for my client. Give it a few months and see how it serves you. In addition, I believe it’s time for you to assess who you really are:
•. Are you prone to age-ism? Are you interested in a woman who only falls within a certain age range — and how much older or younger she looks compared to you?
•. Who are you really trying to impress? Do you want a woman who is exceptionally attractive so you can grab bragging rights with your buds?
•. What do you like to do on dates? Is it more crucial to be able to have a deep and interesting conversation with someone, or are you simply looking for arm candy you can show off?
•. What do you value most? Would you rather meet a woman who will work out at the gym with you, or someone who dresses nicely for your dates?
These questions will reveal why your current mindset has left you frustrated in your search for love. The path you have taken so far took you only to a lonely dead end. Heed my warning and let your personal roadblocks change your course of action now. The worst thing that can happen is that you might discover some wonderful ladies you previously overlooked!
DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.) is the internationally known Relationship Expert to the Stars. She is Match.com’s “ASK DR. GILDA” advice columnist. She is also known as the Country Music Doctor, with her “Country Cures.” She is a motivational speaker, professor of psychology & communications, the author of the well-known “Don’t Bet on the Prince!,” a test question on “Jeopardy,” NOW IN ITS SECOND EDITION, 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity, How to Win When Your Mate Cheats, and many more. She was the therapist in HBO's Emmy Award winner, "Telling Nicholas," featured on Oprah, where she guided a family to tell their 7-year-old that his mom died in the World Trade Center bombing. DR. GILDA is the Love Doc advisor for the off-Broadway show, “Miss Abigail’s Guide to Dating, Mating, & Marriage!” She is currently developing her own TV show. Visit www.DrGilda.com and get her Instant Advice!
Friday, March 16, 2012
Bobbi Kristina Shouldn’t Be Rushing Love!
It’s the romance that took everyone by surprise. And for how long Bobbi Kristina has been dating Nick Gordon, no one is sure as of yet. With the pair spotted out this week and her wearing what appears to be an engagement ring, rumors of an imminent wedding are growing at fever pitch.
But is Bobbi Kristina, moving too fast? We consulted Dr. Gilda Carle to share some of her wisdom about whether this relationship is a good or bad move.
Bobbi Kristina’s New Romance
Dr. Gilda Carle
Relationship Expert to the Stars
Bobbi Kristina just lost a mom with whom she had a very close relationship. During times of grieving, no one should embark on a new relationship; grieving is naturally marred more by the emotion of the loss than by the clarity of the romance. A mature partner would know this, respect this, and give the grieving person alone time to heal.
Yet, it’s understandable why this vulnerable teen would latch on to a guy who was living in her home. She feels she can trust him and rely on him in her darkest need. While the two of them are not biologically related, they nonetheless have a “sibling familiarity.” By grandmother Cissy Houston’s outrage, it seems doubtful that Whitney would have encouraged the PDA’s this couple has been exhibiting. Surely, the public did not see them while Whitney was alive.
Bobbi Kristini is hurt and broken now. She must get help to regain her strength. While it would seem that this young man could be her strong arm to hang onto, he could also end up taking advantage of her vulnerability. I doubt if either of these young people are aware of the ramifications of the future. But it’s for this reason that loving adults and professionals should intervene.
What do you readers think?
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Khloe: Save Your Marriage By Letting Lamar Focus On Basketball, Not Reality TV!
Khloe, a new report says Lamar Odom is furious that you and your family have distracted him from playing his best basketball. It’s time to let him quit your shows!
Khloe, this is a HUGE issue. It’s a huge issue for Lamar who needs to do whatever it takes to save his NBA career now, and not one minute later. And it’s also a HUGE issue for your marriage. If Lamar’s truly angry at you, as the new issue of In Touch reports, for taking his eye off the ball (literally), you may not like it but it’s very understandable.
Lamar Odom, 32, is one of the very top basketball players in the entire world. He is part of a teeny, tiny rarefied group of athletes who are beyond superb at their sport.
It’s incredibly hard to break into the NBA ranks and play at Lamar’s level. Then it’s even harder to stay at that level, especially as you get older by the year.
Lamar loves playing basketball and he especially loved playing for the Lakers for seven years. During the lockout, he was reduced to crying into his Lakers shirt, sniffing it and asking you if he could just wear it around the house, on an episode of Khloe & Lamar.
Now that he’s been traded to the Dallas Mavericks and was almost temporarily demoted to their D-League, the Texas Legends, he’s reportedly resenting you Khloe and your fame-loving family “for taking his focus off the game,” a source told In Touch.
That’s led to him holding back from you both emotionally and even sexually. “He’s really shut down and told Khloe to leave him alone for a while,” says the source.
Khloe, this is really a serious situation. While I don’t agree at all with Lamar shutting down on you and with being so angry – after all, he did agree to film Kardashian shows – I do think you’re the one who has to compromise for him.
Khloe, you married an NBA player. He’s an amazing talent with only a short window to have a top career. That’s the case for all star athletes – time and age are their enemies. This isn’t like a normal career in most professions where opportunities grow with experience. No, for Lamar, there’s always a clock ticking.
Now, I’m usually the last person to ever tell a woman that her husband’s career should come first, but I do feel that in this case Khloe, you’re making your career a distracting conflict for Lamar.
You can absolutely continue to film Kardashian shows, promote Kardashian collections and more, but leave Lamar out of your work. Let him be single-minded about basketball and get his mojo back.
On the other hand, it’s not fair for Lamar to be expressing his frustration with his playing, on the person who is closest to him – you, his wife.
But you have to understand what a blow to his ego, the trade to the Mavericks and his less-than-stellar playing has been.
“He’s suffering, he feels like a failure and he’s punching out,” explains Relationship Expert to the Stars, Dr. Gilda Carle, of drgilda.com.
“Khloe needs to let Lamar know she will support him throughout everything but she cannot be the subject of personal attacks,” says Dr. Gilda. “But she has to be careful to not finger point and say you did this or that because it will just make him feel like more of a failure.”
“Instead, Khloe needs to repeatedly assure him that she loves him, supports him and doesn’t care what ever team he’s on,” advises Dr. Gilda. “And once he realizes how suppportive she is through thick and thin, he’ll want to come back to bed with her.”
I agree with Dr. Gilda that Khloe must give Lamar all her unconditional love and support, but that means her love can’t be conditional on him appearing in her family’s shows.
Khloe – let the reality TV go for Lamar and let Lamar be on TV for just one reason – basketball!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
The Reason for Her Bad-Boy Attraction?
In light of Rihanna’s dad Ronald Fenty’s controversial comments that she was a “little fat last time” he saw her, and that he used to joke with her telling her she was “getting too fat”, we consulted Dr. Gilda Carle to see what sort of impact this would have on the young star, and how it would influence the type of guys she chooses to date.
Here’s what she has to say…
Rihanna’s Critical Daddy
Dr. Gilda Carle (Ph.D.)
Relationship Expert to the Stars
OMG! Rihanna, fat? Her father needs his eyes examined. But more to the point is a critical father who a daughter can’t please, no matter what she does. She’s a gorgeous, talented, and successful young woman. Daddy Dearest (DD) should be applauding his daughter’s phenomenal achievements rather than look to find fault. But note what Rihanna’s reaction to her dad’s criticism is: she “has been on a strict diet” since he made these denigrating remarks about her body. So her aim is to please Daddy . . . and, no doubt, every other man she meets. If she doesn’t please these men, she unconsciously believes she deserves to be punished (or maybe beat up?).
Therefore, it is no wonder that she’s back with Chris Brown, described by DD as a “nice guy” who made “a mistake.” Duh! Doesn’t DD realize that the boy has anger issues? Doesn’t DD realize that this “nice guy” almost pummeled his daughter to death?
Every woman wants to feel protected by her man. She initially learns what warm and fuzzy protection feels like from her daddy. From healthy relationships with parents, a girl can grow up to establish productive and healthy relationships with a mate. If a girl doesn’t grow up amid respectful surroundings, she must learn how to protect herself. I so wish Rihanna would get some professional advice and guidance!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Why Ben Flajnik Is Under Courtney Robertson’s Spell. Dr. Gilda Weighs In
Courtney is SO mean to the other girls on ‘The Bachelor’ that many people are surprised that Ben has kept her around. But a relationship expert tells HollywoodLife.com she isn't too shocked about their coupledom since ‘every guy likes a challenge’ — Do you agree?
“When a man feels he can tame a shrew, he feels he will have control over her,” relationship expert to the stars and author of How To Win At Love, Dr. Gilda Carle says. “Every guy wants that challenge. And then she becomes his — or so he believes. Bottom line: He doesn’t what he’s in for. Once a b*tch always a b*tch.”
Monday, March 5, 2012
"ASK DR. GILDA":
DO I EXPECT TOO MUCH?
Courtesy of Match.com’s Happen Magazine
Dear Dr. Gilda,
I am a 37-year-old very attractive woman. I have filed
for divorce and bought a new place for my son and
myself. Recently, I posted my profile online. I met a
man who's 52 with two grown kids. We went on
several dates over the next few weeks and found we
had a lot in common. What bothered me was
|You might be beautiful, but you sure don't understand men.|
that it always had to be me to send
email or a text message to firm up
our plans. After we slept together, I
felt the need to talk to him about
stopping seeing other people or
hiding our profiles online until we see where our
relationship was going.
When I started the conversation, he made a joke out
of it. He said we can see other people, but only have
sex with each other. The conversation was going in
circles. After I came home, I called him and raised the
question again. I told him I was getting emotionally
involved and I needed to know where we stood. He
said he would think about it. Later that night, I sent
him a text message saying we needed to finish the
conversation that very night. He texted back, "I hear
what you are saying, but sadly can't agree with it at
this point." My reply back was, "We shouldn't see
each other any more." Was I too hasty?
– Heartbroken Beauty
Dear Heartbroken Beauty,
You might be beautiful, but you sure don't understand
men. As my Gilda-Gram says, "Men are hunters, and
hunters need to hunt." They enjoy the uncertainty of
the chase, and they get especially pumped by having
to work hard to land their prey.
You say, "What bothered me was that it always had to
be me to send an email or a text message to firm up
our plans." Girlfriend, you've been doing the heavy
lifting. You didn't even give this guy a chance to firm
up plans, much less breathe, without you intervening.
Then, within less than a month, you slept with this
hunter and immediately followed the sleepover by
insisting on a committed bond. That was far more
carcass than he had set out to hunt. Even if a guy
thought you were the most gorgeous woman on
|Discover what you love to do and pursue it vigorously.|
earth, with all that pressure, he'd run
for them-thar hills. Stunning starlets
get dumped all the time, but plainer
gals who understand the hunt are
You ask, "Was I too hasty?" Your question refers to
telling this guy goodbye. But you were indeed too
hasty in giving up the goods so soon. For this hunter,
as for all hunters, there was no longer uncertainty in
the chase, and he just lost interest. I know, I know,
the next question I always get in my seminars is,
"Why do I have to play games?" That's the wrong
interpretation of the hunter's psyche. Don't ever,
ever, ever play love games! Instead, become so
immersed in your own fascinating life that anyone
who knows you will want to share your excitement.
That's what keeps dudes bonded to women, not their
Here's what I recommend you do now:
- Get over beauty as your currency and start developing your inner passions. Discover what you love to do and pursue it vigorously.
- Make friends with other women who share your interests and go out with them as often as you date men. Don't be over-invested in finding and "catching" a man.
- Play the field without trying to rush serious romance. Nature's hand doesn't tug at the roots to make its flowers grow. Everything happens in its own (and perfect) time.
interested. If you're more intrigued by a man than he
is by you, back off. Let him take the time to
appreciate you for the prize you are, which you will
be, once you contribute something substantive to the
mix that won't fade over time.