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Monday, June 27, 2011

WILL THE 3RD TIME BE A CHARM??

WILL the 3rd TIME be a CHARM?

by



DR. GILDA CARLE



“Ask Dr. Gilda” Advice Column
Courtesy of Match.com’s Happen Magazine 


http://www.happenmag.com/magazine/index.aspx?lid=396


As her second failed marriage draws to a close, one woman wonders if her latest beau — a man 20 years her junior! — can deal with her baggage to become Husband #3. I explain that her new relationship is doomed—and it’s not because of the age discrepancy . . .


Dear Dr. Gilda,

I am separated from my second husband. My first husband told me he was gay. I jumped into this second marriage too soon after that, and now, 11 years later, I am tired of being lonely. Granted, I didn't really know him when we tied the knot, but I tried to make it work during all this time. I've been pretty miserable, playing a role in which I was not comfortable. So now I think I am in love with a 25-year-old man, 20 years my junior. I have five children. Can this ever work?

Always Running



Dear Always Running,

The answer to your question is in your sign-off name! A moving target never gets hit — or finds love. So how can you be in a new relationship if you're always running? Trying to explore love with a third man before you've washed yourself clean of the past two just doesn't work… and all this man-juggling, too, with five kids? While you're concerned over the age discrepancy you and your new beau share, what's more important is to delve into the red flags you ignored before you entered both of your marriages. The goal here is to prevent you from entering into another disastrous relationship.

A client of mine, Alice, had been going out with Fred for a month when she saw him blow up at the wait staff in every restaurant they frequented. She excused each outburst as an isolated incident that occurred after a stressful day. But as their romance continued, she noticed that he had a very short fuse whenever he didn't get his way. After he turned on her for something inconsequential, Alice became concerned and set up some online counseling sessions with me. We discussed the impact of this Gilda-Gram: "'Anger' is just a 'D' away from 'Danger.'" When she asked Fred to get help with anger management, he said he didn't need it. It had been a turbulent eight months, and despite loving him deeply, Alice knew she had to leave.

Even when you think you know someone well, spending plenty of time together often reveals surprises you would never have suspected. Thus, it is imperative to deal with each issue as it arises before it has the chance to gather momentum and explode out of control. How does a single person go about deriving this crucial emotional information from a prospective partner? Ask plenty of questions and take your time to see how that person behaves in different settings. As my Gilda-Gram cautions, "Courtship time is your antidote to divorce."

Instead of looking for a replacement for each husband, Always Running, your goal should have been then (and should certainly be now) to take many breaths between different mates. You question whether your romance with this new man can "ever work." The answer is "No" — not because of your age difference, but because . . .

CLICK LINK BELOW

http://tinyurl.com/3tq8uzf

I’m also anxious to hear YOUR advice to “Always Running” --so please let me know!!

Happy July 4th, Everyone!!

Love,

Dr. Gilda

www.DrGilda.com



XXX

DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.) is an internationally known psychotherapist, relationship educator, and management consultant. She is Match.com’s “ASK DR. GILDA” advice columnist. She is also known as the Country Music Doctor, with her “Country Cures.” She is a motivational speaker, professor of psychology & communications, the author of the well-known “Don’t Bet on the Prince!,” a test question on “Jeopardy,” AND NOW IN ITS SECOND EDITION, 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity, How to Win When Your Mate Cheats, and many more. She was the therapist in HBO's Emmy Award winner, "Telling Nicholas," featured on Oprah, where she guided a family to tell their 7-year-old that his mom died in the World Trade Center bombing. DR. GILDA is the Love Doc advisor for the off-Broadway show, “Miss Abigail’s Guide to Dating, Mating, & Marriage!” She is currently developing her own TV show. Visit www.DrGilda.com and get her Instant Advice!

Monday, June 6, 2011

the 3 Vital Functions of a Relationship

THE 3 VITAL FUNCTIONS OF A RELATIONSHIP


By

DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.)



Do you think it’s easier and less stressful to stay single? Actually, it’s not!!

Find out why . . .



Courtesy of Match.com’s Happen Magazine 


http://www.happenmag.com/magazine/index.aspx?lid=396




Togetherness feels great, and it’s comforting to know someone has your back. Research has shown that without a love connection, divorced men over 50 suffer greater health problems and single men aged 30 to 59 die two and a half times sooner than their married counterparts. Single, divorced, and widowed women also suffer higher mortality rates. So, committed love preserves your health — yet, a relationship’s true impact is even more profound than that.


One commitment-phobe’s story


Craig had been commitment-averse throughout his 60 years, but because he had been married (and divorced) twice in his life, one would not have suspected it. Professionally, he was a ferocious trial attorney, but personally, he was a broken boy abandoned long ago by parents who overindulged his disabled sister while he was left to raise himself. He ran far away from his family home as soon as possible. Over the years, Craig similarly ran away from every love he encountered before he could suffer the same feelings of abandonment that originated with his parents. Although he dated stunning women in order to trumpet his alleged greatness, his internal void matched their emptiness. Moreover, he attracted women who were already involved with other men to unconsciously replicate the painful love triangle template (comprised of himself, his parents and his sister) set in his youth that had ended in rejection. So, Craig’s dating history was littered with a string of vacant beauties whose affections belonged to other men. As each superficial romance crashed, the wound of feeling unloved became re-infected in Craig’s heart, supporting the lesson he deduced from his childhood experiences: namely, that he did not deserve to be loved.


To numb his emotional pain, Craig took on less taxing cases at work and glued himself to mindless TV programs, but he avoided seeking professional help. But then, to paraphrase Anaïs Nin, “the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Online, halfway across the country, Craig found his soul mate. Unlike his previous girlfriends, she was a one-man woman (O.M.W.). She was also a spiritual devotee who believed in the human potential to heal and forgive. Craig’s training in procedural law lacked such a compassionate outlook, so he and O.M.W. became mutually intrigued. Like a Pit bull, Craig pursued this woman hard and seduced her with these sultry words: “I have all my priorities straight in life now and have never been more ready as a man, a friend, a lover, and a soul mate for that special woman.”


The set-up for sabotage


During their two months of courting, the couple’s emails were filled with effusive “I love you” statements. O.M.W.’s past experience with dating non-spiritual men made Craig’s openness and vulnerability refreshing for her. He became her heartthrob — and she succumbed. But the man could not hide his demons. Without the upheaval of a relationship triangle affecting this new and different relationship, Craig felt off-guard and his inability to manage his anger issues was now in full view. He felt tested by taking the risk to blossom out of the bud and eventually reverted back to his old, negative behavioral patterns, callously telling O.M.W. he still had feelings for his former (and married) fantasy woman.


Craig’s remark was confusing, cruel, and cutting. Because he had never felt anything so deep for a woman before, he did not know how to embrace what they shared. Ordinarily, O.M.W. would have given up on this yo-yo game, but this time she was immobilized by oxytocin — the bonding hormone flooding her body from the scorching-hot attachment she felt with Craig. Also, she intuited that his trust in her would eventually smooth over his own dented armor.


Craig’s first email set the stage for their romance: “I want you to share your entire essence with me without fear of judgment or drama. If a man cannot handle the truth when he is confronted with it, how can any woman be honest with him, whether it is about scratching the car or some guy coming on to her?” So O.M.W. naturally felt safe to share her fear about a minor medical issue with him. Instead of acting like the caring man he’d professed to be, Craig harshly called her a “hysterical drama queen,” projecting his inner turmoil onto her. Then, he ended their liaison in an email, saying that he’d thought he was ready for love but guessed that he’d been wrong. See ya! After everything they had already shared together, Craig extinguished the spark with his soul mate in a frigid e-note. Not surprisingly, O.M.W. felt set up and duped.


What makes a relationship worth fighting for?


The moral of Craig’s story is that all couples have issues. But when it comes to relationships, these issues serve three vital functions, which I’ve outlined below:



http://tinyurl.com/3uot8yf


How many of you have been involved with a Craig or an O.M.W.? How many of you have BEEN a Craig or an O.M.W.? I’m anxious to hear how the 3 vital functions of a relationship played into your own growth.

Love, (of course!)

Dr. Gilda


XXXX

DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.) is an internationally known psychotherapist, relationship educator, and management consultant. She is Match.com’s “ASK DR. GILDA” advice columnist. She is also known as the Country Music Doctor, with her “Country Cures.” She is a motivational speaker, professor of psychology & communications, the author of the well-known “Don’t Bet on the Prince!,” a test question on “Jeopardy,” AND NOW IN ITS SECOND EDITION, 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity, How to Win When Your Mate Cheats, and many more. She was the therapist in HBO's Emmy Award winner, "Telling Nicholas," featured on Oprah, where she guided a family to tell their 7-year-old that his mom died in the World Trade Center bombing. DR. GILDA is the Love Doc advisor for the off-Broadway show, “Miss Abigail’s Guide to Dating, Mating, & Marriage!” She is currently developing her own TV show. Visit www.DrGilda.com and get her Instant Advice!