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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

ON DATES, HOT GIRLS DON'T PAY!!

According to a new study, on dates, HOT girls



Get this: a man will INVEST in a date he finds to be

more attractive than he is!!


This got me to wonder: If YOU'RE a lady who

routinely foots the bill, how's your esteem about your

looks?


I'm anxious to hear your thoughts on this!

Love,

Dr. Gilda

Monday, March 28, 2011

DOES YOUR HONEY HAVE YOUR BACK?

DOES YOUR HONEY HAVE YOUR BACK?

By

DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.)


www.DrGilda.com


Courtesy of Match.com’s Happen Magazine 


http://www.happenmag.com/magazine/index.aspx?lid=396



People who love each other take action when their partner needs protection. Are you dating someone that’s got your best interests at heart? Check out the clues and behaviors to watch for.



When Sandra Bullock won a Golden Globe in 2010 for
The Blind Side, she said her acceptance speech, “To my husband: There’s no surprise that my work got better when I met you, because I never knew what it felt like for someone to have my back.” Women audibly sighed over that romantic testimonial as they wondered whether their guys had their backs. (I was one of those women.) At
the time, I was dating someone who was crazy about me — but obviously not crazy enough, since we are no longer together. Prompted by Bullock’s speech, I asked him: “Do you have my back?” His shocking response was, “You’re such a strong woman. Why would you need anyone to have your back?” Wrong answer, boyfriend; everyone wants to feel protected by the person he or she loves — as strong or as weak as that person might appear. Sayonara!


As my Gilda-Gram says, “Back protection signals love intention.” Is your honey willing to be inconvenienced for you? If not, you may want to consider making your next word “Sayonara,” too. Sadly, the world watched Sandra Bullock’s romantic house of cards collapse. Yet, thanks to that beautiful actress, the idea of being shielded by someone special has now become an element singles are weighing as a part of the overall package as they prospect for love.


Why do we want our honey’s protection?


Alice and her significant other, Robert, were at her company’s annual cook-out together. Before she knew it, she was embroiled in a dispute with a female coworker. Robert stood on the sidelines without saying a word — which incensed Alice. When they left the gathering, she told him she was angrier with him than she was with the woman with whom she had argued that day. Why? Because Robert had not come to Alice’s defense during the argument. And what was his reasoning? She seemed to have everything under control, he said. But the way she saw it was that her date had abandoned her when she needed him most!


While Alice’s desire for this kind of demonstrative love can be appreciated by many women, it is not appreciated by
all of them. Some ladies prefer to fight their own battles without interference from their man. This puts the guy in the precarious position of not knowing whether to jump in or remain on the sidelines, as Robert had done. In order to avoid needless conflict such as theirs, the question of whether your honey has your back is all the more important to discuss during the early stages as your relationship unfolds.


All of us want to think of ourselves as capable and self-sufficient adults. But having an extra pair of eyes on us to watch out for our best interest — even if it’s only occasionally — demonstrates love in action. So it’s not unusual for singles to unconsciously choose mates who will help fend off potential threats. This protection is not only a kind of instant immunization against the tougher side of life; it also enunciates the strength of commitment made between two people. The only abiding caveat is that it must be mutual.


John emailed Melissa to thank her for “having his back” during a concert he was running. Being interested in this man romantically, Melissa knew that one-sided love didn’t work. So she responded to him with: “I do have
your back, John. I hope you also have mine,” but she never received a return email from John afterward. Unfortunately, unilateral back protection does not constitute an equitable match, nor is it a formula for lasting love. When Melissa realized the one-sided nature of John’s involvement with her, she chose to move on to someone who appeared to be more interested in her romantically. And it was a good thing she did; the next email from John detailed the new love he’d found — and it wasn’t with Melissa!


3 clues that tell if your honey’s got you covered


There are always signs as to whether someone you’re involved with will watch over you when you need it most. Here are some examples of these clues that my clients recently witnessed:


1. Alice, a writer, helped George create a new promotional piece for his business. She invested two hours on the phone with him in producing it. Several weeks later, she asked him to review a business report she was about to submit that covered a discipline in which George had great expertise. Alice explained that she was on an urgent deadline and needed his input. Six days later, George got back to her, saying that he didn’t have time to help with the report. Obviously, George did not have Alice’s back when the roles were reversed!


2. In an effort to sound “manly” and “in charge,” Carl told Laura that he had a tough time welcoming acts of kindness done by others for his benefit, describing the ability to receive such acts a “girlie” quality. From our sessions together, Laura knew that if someone couldn’t be a graceful “receiver” he also couldn’t be a good “giver,” since giving and receiving are two sides of the same coin in relationships. As she proceeded to date Carl with her eyes wide open, Laura discovered that he was withholding both his money as well as his love from her. See ya!


3. Throughout the year that Katie had been dating Jeff, she showered him with expensive gifts. Of course, deep down, she hoped her material offerings would “buy” back-protection status from him. But Katie’s purchasing power fell flat once she became sick with the flu. When she asked Jeff to bring her some chicken soup, he said he didn’t want to catch what she had, so he was staying away for now. I advised Katie to knock off her expensive gift-giving habit and instead “teach” Jeff by example how to care about someone he loved. So, instead of providing Jeff with extravagant presents, Katie began doing thoughtful things for him. Surprise, surprise — Jeff finally began returning the favor! Jeff now covers Katie’s back whenever she needs it, regardless of whether it’s against a flu bug or an irate neighbor.



Discover early in your relationship whether your honey is a back-protector or not. If this person isn’t, either model the behavior that exemplifies the treatment that you want to receive (as Katie did), or choose a more considerate partner! You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache in your future romance just by asking about your honey’s position on this issue.



XXX


DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.) is an internationally known psychotherapist specializing in interpersonal relationships. She is also a motivational speaker and professor of business psychology & communications. As a corporate management consultant, she boosts the bottom line of Fortune 500 companies by training executives and their staffs in relationship-building.



Dr. Gilda is Match.com’s “ASK DR. GILDA” advice columnist. She is also known as the Country Music Doctor, employing her
“Country Cures.” She is the author of the well-known “Don’t Bet on the Prince!,” a test question on “Jeopardy,” AND NOW IN ITS SECOND EDITION,
99 Prescriptions for Fidelity, How to Win When Your Mate Cheats, and many more books. She was the therapist in HBO's Emmy Award winner, "Telling Nicholas," featured on Oprah, where she guided a family to tell their 7-year-old that his mom died in the World Trade Center bombing. DR. GILDA is the Love Doc advisor for the off-Broadway show, “Miss Abigail’s Guide to Dating, Mating, & Marriage!” She is currently developing her own TV show. Visit www.DrGilda.com to get her Instant Advice!

Monday, March 21, 2011

7 Signs Your Honey May Cheat

Exciting weekend! My article, "7 Signs Your Honey May Cheat" at http://tinyurl.com/48tchy5 hit the Front Page Headlines on Yahoo.com. My website, www.DrGilda.com , got over 3,000 hits and thousands of readers downloaded 'How to Win When Your Mate Cheats" http://tinyurl.com/46zepav along with my other books, including 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity http://tinyurl.com/4ovjjoj Also, many people sought out my Instant Advice and Coaching.

This weekend's numbers prove the enormity of the relationship pain there is out there! With the entire universe undergoing such extraordinary chaos at this time, I wonder if people are sucking in the world's upheaval or whether they are creating personal upheaval that is reflecting onto the world stage. It's the old chicken or the egg conundrum--but does it really matter? Let's remember that we are all ONE, and when we throw a pebble in the ocean, there is always a rippling effect.

More than it reflects how you honor your partner, cheating begins with how you respect yourself.


Thursday, March 17, 2011

Happy Heart Chakra Day!

March 17th, St. Patrick's Day, is my parents' anniversary. They're gone now, but my hair is still Irish red--with a bit of help these days. As a kid, my mom dressed me in alot of green against my shocking red hair, and it made me feel like a Christmas tree. So I rebelled and stopped wearing the color. But then I grew up, and realized that green looks great with my coloring. So because everything old is new again, I'm back to wearing the color my mother loved.

Green is a great color! It's the color of money and it's also the fourth chakra of the heart. This chakra is our balance point where we pass from our more terrestrial existence into the spiritual realm of love and life. Frogs are green. I have a huge (make-believe) frog collection as a result of the motif on my well-known book, "Don't Bet on the Prince!" Frogs symbolize abundance and fertility. To add to my collection, people send me interesting frogs from all over the world. So my office dons plenty of green.

What a great day to think of all the success and love and money you will attract! Believe it is already happening, conceive a realistic plan, and achieve it all! You might also want to kiss a blarney stone while you're at it today for some additional help. No matter what you do, have a Happy Heart Chakra Day!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Testosterone Night!

Last night, I was a guest at the 2011 Irish Boxing Spectacular at the New York Athletic Club. There was more testosterone in my midst than I had ever, ever, ever experienced. And tons of tough guys in law enforcement, security, the military, and other areas that protect us. I had never been to a boxing match before. One of the fighters ended up with broken ribs and was wheeled out to a waiting ambulance. When he fell to the ground, men stood and cheered. A guy in front of me said, "I grew up with boxing. I love this!"

For me, it was like watching the Roman gladiators. Being a pacifist, the excitement of any kind of fighting escapes me. I'm a lover, not a fighter. But I enjoyed meeting many, many new people and studying the sociology of this event. I am forever grateful for new adventures, and I want to thank Mike McCann, President of McCann Protective Services, who was our very gracious host. He invited one of my closest friends, Nancy Tamosaitis, President of Vorticom, Inc., who is THE BEST PR person there is--and I've worked with hundreds--and she, in turn, invited me. I enjoyed meeting and laughing with Mike, whose generous hospitality could not have been more giving. What I loved the best was seeing that there was a l-o-n-g line for the men's room, but NO line for the ladies room!!! Who ever saw that before on this planet??

Here's a shout-out to all the men who were my dates for the evening . . . YAY!





Monday, March 7, 2011

His Mistress Left Him after He Left His Wife

Hi, Everyone,

After an intense photo shoot, I will soon have updated pics posted on www.DrGilda.com/ Please watch for them and tell me what you think. My life has been exciting and hectic, developing several TV shows, doing lots of radio interviews, flitting between two coasts, teaching great students this semester, and socializing and partying a lot. I continue to follow my mantra of “gratitude over attitude.” Each day I awake to a new journey, praying that my next mistakes be new mistakes after moving on from the old.


Thank you for all your comments on my columns, and for seeking my Instant Advice. I love hearing from and working with you guys!


The column you are about to read is a doozie! It’s the reason it never pays to be part of a love triangle.

Love, of course,

Dr. Gilda


His Mistress Left Him after He Left His Wife!


By


Dr. Gilda Carle (Ph.D.)


Courtesy of Match.com’s Happen Magazine 



Match.com promoted this week’s column with this blurb: “One man finally left his wife for his mistress only to have her turn around and leave him afterwards. Should he wait for her to have a change of heart — or move forward? Dr. Gilda has some harsh words...” Cheaters, take heed!


Dear Dr. Gilda,


I recently got a divorce from my wife of 15 years to be with my girlfriend of 11 years (yes, you read that right). I had no problem with the divorce and gave up a lot just to get it over with as quickly as I could while still preserving my relationship with my kids. When the dust settled, I was finally able to be with the woman I had loved all along, only to be told that the 60 days of turmoil we went through during the divorce process was too much for her. In the meantime, I found out she had already started dating another guy who she now admits she may be in love with. She says she still loves me, just not as much as she used to, and still may want to be with me ultimately, but needs time to sort out her feelings. I feel like I gave up almost everything to be with her, and now I am losing her anyway. Do I back off or issue an ultimatum or what?

– Ticked-Off Tom


See my “harsh” response at: http://www.match.com/magazine/article0.aspx?articleid=12363


I can’t wait for your comments!

Love,

Dr. Gilda


XXX


DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.) is an internationally known psychotherapist, relationship educator, and management consultant. She is Match.com’s “ASK DR. GILDA” advice columnist. She is also known as the Country Music Doctor, with her “Country Cures.” She is a motivational speaker, professor of psychology & communications, the author of the well-known “Don’t Bet on the Prince!,” a test question on “Jeopardy,” AND NOW IN ITS SECOND EDITION, 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity, How to Win When Your Mate Cheats, and many more. She was the therapist in HBO's Emmy Award winner, "Telling Nicholas," featured on Oprah, where she guided a family to tell their 7-year-old that his mom died in the World Trade Center bombing. DR. GILDA is the Love Doc advisor for the off-Broadway show, “Miss Abigail’s Guide to Dating, Mating, & Marriage!” She is currently developing her own TV show. Visit www.DrGilda.com and get her Instant Advice!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY

The One that Got Away



It’s natural to wonder what happened to that lost love of your past. But don’t let fantasies rule when REAL love could be waiting . . .


by

DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.)



Courtesy of Match.com’s Happen Magazine 

http://www.happenmag.com/magazine/index.aspx?lid=396

OK, we all know how things turned out with the love that remained in our life. (Not always so well, according to our high divorce rate.) But what about the one who didn’t stick around — the one who got away? That one often haunts us. Why?


Getting caught in the fantasy
http://images.match.com/match/s.gif

When Lisa and Robert were high school sweethearts, they won the title: “Ken and Barbie of Homecoming.” But they lost touch after graduation. On the rebound at 19, Lisa married Cal, although she always held Robert close to her heart. She spent the next 25 difficult years withstanding her husband’s physical abuse, cheating and compulsive gambling until she drummed up the courage to leave. Now she was 50 pounds heavier, had two kids and was in a heap of debt. Lisa’s life was in shambles, but her fantasies always gave her an escape . . . back to Robert. He now lived in Vancouver, which was a far cry from Lisa’s sunny Florida home. She found his phone number and called the now-bald and paunchy man who was himself in the midst of an ugly divorce.


Thrilled to drop into a dreamy reverie with his former high school sweetheart, he asked if she still looked like Barbie. Lisa said, “Of course!” Lie! She questioned whether Robert still looked like Ken. He said, “Of course!” Lie! With no intention of ever seeing each other, neither thought there was harm in fudging the facts about their current looks. But they craved the conversational rush, ecstatic that each could still be desired by the other.

Less than two months later — in real life — Lisa met Geoff, an intelligent college professor with plenty of money saved. The couple had a garish wedding, which was intended to prove to Lisa’s ex that she could find love again. They moved into an expensive home, and Lisa felt financially secure. But she didn’t know Geoff all that well before they tied the knot and the man she married turned out to be stingy and nasty once they were living as husband and wife. The couple’s constant fighting caused the demise of their union after 10 almost-violent years.


How did Lisa cope? By immediately dialing Robert’s digits! Picking up where they had left off with their previous round of flirting, they continued their journey in the land of “What If?” conversations. “What if we had remained together?” they giggled. “What if 35 years had never passed?” The question the pair should have been asking was, “What if we were to meet up now — just as we are?” They avoided that question because Fantasy Boulevard provides more exciting scenery than the corner of Reality and Truth.


Never long without a man, almost-single Lisa was very busy. At the same time she was flirting with Robert and divorcing Geoff, she met Jason, a good-natured widower. As soon as this successful attorney saw her, he wanted to make her his wife. She agreed, and lived with Jason until he died. The couple had great rapport and lots of laughter, but no passion. However, for Lisa, her need for security trumped her desire for romance — except when it came to Robert (that is, the version Robert she remembered). Had she been honest with herself, she would have realized that she was able to tolerate her dead-end marriages only because of her escape into the fantasies of the one who got away. This wasn’t fair to the men she married, nor was it fair to herself!


As my Gilda-Gram warns, “Life dents us. Some people work to fix the dents, and others work to cover them.” During these years, Lisa had continuously filled her personal potholes with men. Despite her three marriages, she never considered that these artificial fillers hadn’t served her well. If anything, they prevented her from finding true love. Being alone now could finally bring Lisa the gift of self-assessment and growth. However, Lisa instead chose to reapply to her wounds her favorite bandage: another partner. And so it was, the one who got away 35 years earlier became Lisa’s new target.


When reality and fantasy collide
http://images.match.com/match/s.gif

Lisa and Robert continued their hot verbal rendezvous via phone. They each wondered: How could this flame not be rekindled? At last, the pair decided to meet. The problem was that neither had confessed the truth about how they had changed over the years. So when they glimpsed each other after all that time, both their jaws dropped. In the silent moments that followed, their “Ken and Barbie” myth screeched to a deafening halt.


Be careful! As Lisa and Robert discovered, the lure of “What If” is potent — and if it’s allowed to grow, it can get you into trouble. One of my single male clients began an online flirtation with the one who got away 15 years earlier. The problem was that the woman was married. I’ve heard therapists say that online flirtations with unavailable prospects are harmless because they exist only in a computer. I’m not one of those doctors. This woman’s husband became irate when he discovered his wife’s indiscretions. Not only did the fantasy end, but so did their marriage. Today, the woman is not in my client’s life, and he flies solo each night seeking love again.


Resist the strong lure to live in your fantasies
http://images.match.com/match/s.gif

The fantasy of the one who got away is best left in dreams. But it may beckon you anyway, because it has some useful and alluring functions:

1. It can temporarily postpone digging into your soul when you are trying to put off confronting your demons.



2. It can temporarily overpower your self-doubt and insecurity.



3. It can stimulate creative visual imagery that turns you on.



4. It can offer you any solution to any problem, leading to any outcome you want.

These four benefits are huge draws. However, the more they entice you, the longer it will take you to uncover grounded love. The downside to the lure of chasing the unavailable is that you’ll waste your years on make-believe and miss out on something that is real. Sure, it’s delicious to savor occasional fantasies, but recognize that these mind-games only provide a short-lived fix. Love will never triumph until you snap back to the here and now! So remember these cautionary tales the next time you’re tempted by the one who got away.




XXX




DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.) is an internationally known psychotherapist, relationship educator, and management consultant. She is Match.com’s “ASK DR. GILDA” advice columnist. She is also known as the Country Music Doctor, with her “Country Cures.” She is a motivational speaker, professor of psychology & communications, the author of the well-known “Don’t Bet on the Prince!,” a test question on “Jeopardy,” AND NOW IN ITS SECOND EDITION, 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity, How to Win When Your Mate Cheats, and many more. She was the therapist in HBO's Emmy Award winner, "Telling Nicholas," featured on Oprah, where she guided a family to tell their 7-year-old that his mom died in the World Trade Center bombing. DR. GILDA is the Love Doc advisor for the off-Broadway show, “Miss Abigail’s Guide to Dating, Mating, & Marriage!” She is currently developing her own TV show. Visit www.DrGilda.com and get her Instant Advice!