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Friday, December 31, 2010

What's Up with All the Holiday Engagements of Celebs?

What's Up With All the Holiday Engagements?


By Jo Piazza Posted Dec 30th 2010 07:15AM

Was there something in the water this holiday season? Was Jared having an extra big sale on diamonds in the greater Los Angeles area, or is love simply winning over all the hardened hearts of Tinseltown?

Whatever it is, we have witnessed an overdose of celebrity engagements this week -- from Hugh Hefner, who continues to give us the willies and forces us to try to divide 84 by 24 in our heads, to LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian to Reese Witherspoon and Jim Toth. Oh, and how can we forget Natalie Portman! Engaged and pregnant. Double whammy. One of the reasons for so much popping of the question, believes US Weekly's Rebecca Bienstock, is that celebrities really are just like us, and normal people tend to get engaged at the holidays. Just check your Facebook feed this week.

"Just like us, they want to get engaged over the holidays when they're around their families so they can celebrate, or like LeAnn and Eddie they want to immediately go on vacation and enjoy the recent engagement," Bienstock says. "Plus it's easier, you can combine the holiday present with the engagement ring."

And the holidays require very little staging. There is no need for an elaborate set-up since everything is already decked out.

"It's the most romantic time of year because the streets are literally decorated with lights, everyone is smooching under the mistletoe, and the commercials for diamond rings are non-stop," says dating coach Tracey Steinberg, host of 'Dating Help 911.'

Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle, author of 'Don't Bet on the Prince: How to Have the Man You Want By Betting on Yourself,' believes there is a darker side to why folks pair up around this time of year.

"For all people, celebs and non-celebs alike, holiday time can feel very lonely for those who are alone," Dr. Gilda explains. "They see their family and friends gather in groups, and, to the naked eye, they appear to be paired. So the holiday season is the ideal time to become wrapped up in the emotions of the moment as an escape from real life. Celebs are especially prone to the holiday escape."

Dr. Gilda notes that after the romance of the holiday goes away and real life settles back in, some of these engagements just won't stick.

"They must be aware that after the celebrations cease, they will have to actually become more grounded with the person for whom they declared their forever love. When reality comes crashing down, that's when holiday engagements are broken," Dr. Gilda says.


And not to be too cynical, but there is also the sweet spot of the celebrity news cycle. The holidays are a notorious down time for celebrity news, so if a celeb wants attention around their engagement, now is most definitely the time to pop the question.

"Some celebrities are more calculating than others," says US magazine's Bienstock. "I tend to believe that the engagement of Reese and Jim is pure and real, but something like the Hugh Hefner engagement certainly does put him back in the spotlight. Of course, this year there were so many engagements, one could easily get lost in the shuffle."

Monday, December 13, 2010

How Can I Get Him to Commit?

How Can I Get Him to Commit?

By

DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.)

The flirty overtures of a woman’s friend have her wondering whether his feelings are genuine . . . or she’s being played for a fool.


Courtesy of Match.com’s Happen Magazine 


http://www.happenmag.com/magazine/index.aspx?lid=396


Dear Dr. Gilda,

I’m so confused! I have a big crush on my best friend. I was separated for 1½ years from my husband during our friendship and am now getting a divorce.

My friend flirts with me regularly, sends messages that say things such as, “You need to hang out more often, good lookin.’” Also, he is always tickling me and trying to make me laugh. On numerous occasions when he has been drinking, he has stated that I need to come over, spend the night, and snuggle with him.

I recently asked him if he was interested in me, and he said, “No, because you’re not into one-night flings,” and said he wasn’t looking for anything serious though previously he’d said he was ready for a relationship. So I called him on it. He said maybe it is a little of both. The gist of the conversation was that he wasn’t interested in me (I can deal with that) but added maybe that would change. Then later that night he sent me a text message saying how highly he thinks of me, and that he hopes I am not mad. Am I just crazy and misreading the signs? I thought all the things he did showed interest.

– Out-of-Touch Olivia


Dear Out-of-Touch,

Yes, yes, yes, girl, you are out of touch—but given your current “getting divorced” status, that’s as it should be! All the things this guy does do show interest in you as a “friend with benefits.” But he’s not interested in you for love. How many ways do you need to hear this? He practically told you outright that he just wants to p-l-a-y. And since you want more than a “one-night fling,” tag, you’re out! When your friend is lonely and looking for companionship, he texts you, emails you, and teases you. Don’t interpret these gestures as anything but acts of flirtatious fun for him.

So why are you misreading the signs and his words? Why are you pursuing something that doesn’t exist? The answer is simple now: You’re very vulnerable. Your divorce is still going on, and you’re in limbo. Consequently, you haven’t been out on your own as a truly single woman, ready to date available men. This guy isn’t available, but he’s the only one who pays attention to you. But you ain’t going to change this player into a partner—no matter what you do! Nor do I think you should be looking for a serious relationship at this moment, given your divorce isn’t even final yet.


Now, I do have a concern regarding all this playtime. You say he’s your “best friend.” A best friend would care for you, and would not lead you on when he knows you have romantic feelings for him. A best friend would sense your current state of vulnerability, and would be careful to protect you. Finally, a best friend would set the boundaries straight instead of trying to stroke his own ego at the expense of yours. So I have my doubts about how “best” a friend this dude really is.

This is what I suggest you do now:


1. Find other friends to hang with. For the time being, stick with the female pals so your vulnerability doesn’t set you up to misread other cues.


2. Don’t even think of getting into a relationship until months after your divorce is final. You need time for the dust to settle and for you to fully accept and adjust to your single status.


3. As a means of self-protection now that you know the score, cut back on the time you spend with your friend. Instead, immerse yourself in different activities. Volunteer, take a class, fix up your home—anything other than see this guy.



As my Gilda-Gram says, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always go where you’ve always gone.” You don’t want to repeat past patterns. You’re about to leave your former life and enter a new phase. Make that your focus rather than pining for a guy whose player mentality is nothing but old news.

Love,

Dr. Gilda



XXX

DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.) is an internationally known psychotherapist, relationship educator, and management consultant. She is Match.com’s “Ask Dr. Gilda” advice columnist published on MSN.com. She is also known as the Country Music Doctor, with her “Country Cures.” She is a motivational speaker, professor of psychology & communications, the author of the well-known “Don’t Bet on the Prince!,” a test question on “Jeopardy,” 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity, How to Win When Your Mate Cheats, and many more. She was the therapist in HBO's Emmy Award winner, "Telling Nicholas," featured on Oprah, where she guided a family to tell their 7-year-old that his mom died in the World Trade Center bombing. She is currently developing her own TV show. Visit www.DrGilda.com and get her Instant Advice!




Thursday, December 9, 2010

SPECIAL INVITATION TO MY FRIENDS & FANS



Sunday, December 19th is my birthday, and I’m inviting you to a special celebration. I’m now the “Love Doc” adviser to the Off-Broadway comedy in New York, “Miss Abigail’s Guide to Dating, Mating, & Marriage!” The show is providing discount tickets for THIS matinee birthday performance ONLY!! My book, “Don’t Bet on the Prince!,”JUST OUT in its SECOND EDITION, will be available to you on that day.


Here are the specifics: http://tinyurl.com/DrGildaMissAbigail
Special Discount Code is GILDA


It would be great if you could join in the fun and celebrate with me!


Love,

Dr. Gilda





Why Some Kids Are Overly Clingy

Check out Dr. Gilda's answer below:


Violet Affleck’s Been Overly Clingy With Mom Jennifer Garner. Is It A Cry For Help?

The five-year-old is clinging to mommy lately, but is that a natural phase, or a sign that there’s trouble at home?

How much can a child’s behavior tell us about what’s going on at home? If the child is acting out, is it a sign there’s something wrong? Or, is it just a normal phase the child is undergoing? We ask because of the recent change in Violet Affleck’s behavior, as the five-year-old daughter of Ben Affleck, 38, and Jennifer Garner has been overly clingy with her mom of late, leading some to wonder, is there trouble at home? HollyMoms, do you think it’s a sign that Ben and Jen might actually be headed towards Splitsville?

Check out Jen and both her daughters on a fun weekend excursion!

“There is always a reason for clingy behavior,” Dr. Gilda Carle, a relationship expert and the founder of www.drgilda.com told HollyBaby.com. “Every child senses trouble in paradise. So she’s clinging to the parent who is most often with her in an attempt to prevent mommy from abandoning her as she thinks daddy has.” Can you relate, HollyMoms? If and when your relationship hit a rough patch, did you notice a change in your child’s behavior?

The other side of it is that Violet is experiencing what many kids her age do, that she’s a little afraid of things and wants the support, comfort and safety that Jen, 38, provides. She’s begun school and is starting to spend more time away from her mom, so maybe she’s dealing with this separation by clinging more closely when they’re together.

What do you think? Share your thoughts and advice below.

– Roger Singer

Friday, December 3, 2010

An Organization's Differing Views Affect Its Outcome

WikiLeads might have been prevented. See my comments below:

WikiLeaks: Stronger Access Mgt. Needed

Was a Process Failure Preordained?

December 2, 2010 - Eric Chabrow



Eric Chabrow
Not adequately implementing access management - deciding who should gain entry not only to an IT system but to specific data, as well - is a major process failure that led to the WikiLeaks leaks, the unauthorized access and downloading of 250,000 sensitive and classified diplomatic cables and other files.

Simply, if properly configured, an access-governance system might have prevented an Army private from extracting the diplomatic cables. The government alleges that Pfc. Bradley Manning, an Army intelligence analyst, illicitly downloaded the files through a Secret Internet Protocol Router and saved them to a disk, which he provided WikiLeaks. Though Manning had security clearance - his job was to route intelligence reports to his superiors - it's unclear why he would or should have authorization to access and download State Department reports.

Simply, if properly configured, an access governance systems might have prevented an Army private from extracting the diplomatic cables.

Was the process failure preordained? Perhaps. A survey released earlier this year of federal IT security executives and staffers suggests that challenges of securing government information assets are more evident to the rank and file than they are to their superiors. The survey, Security in the Trenches: Comparative Study of IT Practitioners and Executives in the U.S. Federal Government, conducted by the Ponemon Institute for enterprise software vendor CA, reveals that the rank-and-file employees were much more likely than executives to see the necessity of certain enabling technologies to reduce or mitigate security risks within their organizations, and the technology with the widest difference: identity and access management systems.

Fifty-seven percent of rank-and-file workers said they saw the risk in identity and access management systems versus 41 percent of executives; that's a 16 percentage point difference. On access governance systems, 62 percent of the staffers but only 43 percent of executives saw the risk, a 19 percentage point differential.

Why the gap? "Executives tend to see the big picture, whereas the IT staff-level sees a more focused view," Gilda Carle, a relationship expert who has worked with the Army, Internal Revenue Service and IBM, said in a statement issued with the survey results. "The difference in viewpoints can greatly affect how well an organization achieves its objectives."

The takeaway isn't just the need for government IT security policymakers to be more aware of beefing up access management systems but to become more attentive to what goes on in the trenches where each individual poses a potential threat.

Without Her 8, There is NO Kate!


Kate Gosselin is hanging on to her kids-as-props. SEE MY QUOTES BELOW. Bonnie Fuller, CEO of Hollywoodlife.com agrees:

Bonnie Says: Kate, Stop Attacking Jon on TV, Living Off Your Kids — You’re Hurting Them!

SplashNews

Kate– you went on The Today Show to justify keeping your 8 Gosselettes on TV and you just proved why they need their private lives back!

After watching you talk to Meredith Viera on Dec. 2, it’s more obvious than ever that you’re keeping your eight children in a ridiculously unhealthy situation.

You clearly went on TV to contest the reports that two of your sextuplets, Colin and Alexis, had been expelled from their private school. You said that the reports were false — though Hollywoodlife.com and other outlets have credible sources telling us otherwise. In fact, a source reiterates to us that “Kate did not pull the kids out of school”, they were expelled.

You said that the two were victims of the dual stress of academic challenges and post- divorce stress. And you did admit that they were suffering from “anger issues”, “behavior issues” and were acting out.”

Now, you said, they were being home schooled and that “my kids are back, they are happy and functioning.”

But Kate, don’t you see that You are the problem. You are the one invading your children’s privacy. You are the one on national TV discussing the most private aspects of your children’s lives.

Do you really think that Colin and Alexis, 6, are happy that you just told the world they have “anger issues“?

And really Kate — Why do they have anger issues? You have to admit that it is in very large part because you have had a very publicly bitter and contentious divorce from Jon.

And now you can’t stop attacking Jon in public. You went right back at it in front of Meredith and us. When Meredith asked you how you communicate with Jon, you replied “it depends on the day, it depends on the hour.”

“I always reach out to him first,” you said in discussing how you organize holidays visitations with Jon. “I try” to do it in the normal manner, I do it amicably, with solutions and the best interests of the kids in mind.”

The very clear subtext of course is that Jon is impossible to communicate with, never calls about seeing the kids and doesn’t try to organize visits in a “normal manner” or “amicably.”

You are trying desperately to be seen as Mommy Perfect while he is Daddy Do-No-Right.

But Kate you are hurting your kids every time you attack Jon, especially in public “Parents don’t realize what they’re doing when they badmouth their ex. The kids feel like they are in the middle of a tug of war and like they have to take sides” explains psychotherapist Dr. Gilda Carle, the founder of drgilda.com “Children of divorce are terrified they’ll be abandoned by mommy and daddy because their parents have abandoned each other.”

Dr. Gilda agrees that the Gosselin kids ARE stressed. Every child of divorce is stressed when their parents split but it’s so much harder for the little Gosselettes because they are in a fishbowl — their every move is watched and commented on, even by you Kate on national TV.

You even had the nerve to tell all of us that “strangely” you’ve “forgiven Jon for the sake of your kids.”

Kate — that’s not strange. That’s the right thing to do.

What was even more disturbing on The Today Show was how you insisted that being on TV is “wonderful” and is in “the best interests of my kids”! Being on TV allows them to go on expensive trips and provides for their futures, you justified.

Puhleeze Kate! How about providing for your kids by getting a job which doesn’t involve them working. Aren’t they entitled to just be carefree kids?

“Kate is looking at the material benefits of the show and not the emotional detriments to the kids,” points out Dr. Gilda. “She wants to continue doing the show, so she’s going to rationalize it.”

Kate is using her kids as props, believes Dr. Gilda. "She wants the fortune and fame and she knows that without the 8, there is no Kate."

Kate, you may think that’s harsh, but it’s true. and you need to start thinking and planning another career anyway because the Gosselettes are growing up and will not be reality show material for that many more years. So stop attacking Jon and stop milking every aspect of your kids lives, especially their troubles, for television.

-Bonnie Fuller

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

How to Stop The Cyber Bully

by LoveToKnow.com

There's a new type of bully in America's schools: the cyber bully. A cyber bully doesn't pick fist fights in the parking lot after school; rather they operate by sending deliberately hurtful messages to others on a computer or cell phone. Are you someone who has been bullied or perhaps is guilty of bullying others?

What is a Cyber Bully?

The cyber bully is someone who does any of the following things:

  • Sending threatening email messages to others
  • Flaming others in an instant messaging session
  • Creating a website in order to spread gossip and embarrass others
  • Forwarding private emails, videos or photos to others with the intent to embarrass someone
  • Harassing someone by repeatedly sending nasty emails or texting someone's cell phone with inflammatory or threatening language

According to i-Safe America, Inc., 42 percent of kids have admitted being bullied by others either while online or on their cell phones. 53 percent of kids have admitted to bullying others on the Internet or sending mean text messages to other kid's cell phones.

Interview on Bullying

In order to understand what makes a bully tick, we interviewed an expert on the subject- Dr. Gilda Carle. Here is what she had to say about bullies, and how teens and their parents can deal with them effectively.

LTK: Why do people bully others?

Dr. Gilda: People become bullies because they don't feel good enough about themselves. They erroneously believe that if they squash someone, it will elevate their own stature.

LTK: What are some common characteristics of bullies?

Dr. Gilda: They seek victims who don't fight back, people who will readily accept the status of "victim" and appear to be weak. Bullies don't need PhD's in bullying to know who to pick on. Anyone who defends him or herself, or who will give the bully a hard time will be avoided.

LTK: How can teens deal with cyber bullies and computer bullies that send text messages or instant messages?

Dr. Gilda: You can't fight someone when you don't know who he or she is. You have to seek help from the authorities: cops, school officials, the phone company, people who know how to police the net and have the authority to prosecute abuse.

LTK: What if the bully wants to stop but doesn't know how?

Dr. Gilda: The bully never wants to lose face in front of his or her friends, so even if they want to stop, it is unlikely that they will - without your help. If you sense the bully is really an OK person, get them on the side, away from their audience and talk to them candidly. Exchange your honest feelings in private with each other. Work out a plan for the bully to save face, and for you not to appear like the victim in this.

LTK: What can a teen do to make the bully stop?

Dr. Gilda: Teens have three choices:

  • Avoid the bully
  • Fight the bully
  • Walk away with power and dignity

If you avoid the bully, you will constantly be in fear. If you fight the bully, you will get into trouble. If you walk away with power and dignity- and also tell the person you won't be intimidated by his or her actions, and keep your power, there is a chance the bully will recognize that you won't be a victim. A bully can't be a persecutor without having a victim.

LTK: What can a parent do for a child that is being bullied?

Dr. Gilda: Discuss the three choices above with your teen. Examine the pros and cons of each. Role-play each possible scenario. If all else fails, get reinforcements from the school, the cops, or anyone else with authority. Rules of behavior modification dictate that behaviors that are not reinforced become extinguished. Let your child know that if he or she stands tall in their words, body language, and tone of voice, the bully will probably lose interest.

Tips to Stop the Cyber Bully

There are several things that you can do to stop a cyber bully right in their tracks:

  • Never give out personal information online, such as your real name, address, phone, or school name
  • Never share your passwords with anyone, even a close friend
  • Never respond to harassing emails
  • Don't send your picture to individuals you don't know on the Internet
  • Remember- the Internet isn't a private place. Anything you say, or pictures that you share, can be sent all over the Internet to anyone, everywhere
  • Save any suspected emails or text messages- you may need them as evidence later if the situation escalates

If you are a victim of cyber or a computer bully you have several options to get help. First, go to a trusted adult for help before the situation escalates. A teacher, guidance counselor, or parent is your first line of defense to end harassment. Don't give up until someone agrees to help you. If you are being bullied through your Instant Messaging system, block the ID of the person or persons harassing you. If it is happening in a chat room, notify the moderator.

Finally, if someone threatens you with harm, call the police. You have the right to live in peace without the threat of violence.

About Dr. Gilda Carle

DR. GILDA CARLE was the Love Doc for MTV Online, she has written many magazine columns in popular teen magazines, Teen People calls her "our fave know-it-all," she was on the Advisory Board at CosmoGIRL!, she is an author of teen books, including, "Teen Talk with Dr. Gilda," she has a teen website on Dr. Gilda.com, she has done hundreds of interventions on national TV between teens and their parents, and she speaks to teens and parent groups throughout the country.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Is Jake Too Old for Taylor??

If you’re supposedly dating someone who you think is too young to see your R rated movie, maybe she’s too young to be dating at all? Just a thought we’ve been having. So we decided to bring this question and others to our favorite psychotherapist – Dr. Gilda Carle.

Jake Gyllenhaal notably upped his public persona a few years ago through his relationship to America’s Sweetheart Reese Witherspoon. But Reese finally kicked Jake to the curb. And Dr. Gilda thinks that Taylor might actually be more in his league:

“Reese was right on the money – if she said he wasn’t serious enough. Well, he found someone with his mentality.”

But to us, it seems like an odd pairing. So we asked Dr. Gilda what the appeal is. As she says:

“It makes good headlines in the news, but eventually, what are they going to be doing, playing dominoes together?”

Maybe it’s just a publicity thing. But that could be dangerous too:

“I always caution my celebrity clients about getting involved with someone who’s intentions are not obvious to you.”

With a big movie out, it could just be good publicity for Jake to be seen dating a young hot chic right now. And Taylor may not realize that. Says Dr. Gilda:

“I just worry about her. She’s young and impressionable. And beside all that, she doesn’t have the experience that somebody older has. In knowing when someone is after her fame, money, hooking on to her wagon. All the therapy in the world can’t give you that. It’s just time. And, unfortunately being hurt. And that’s too bad.”

At least she can always write a song about him for her next album….

You can learn more about Dr. Gilda on her website drgilda.com.

Why Cameron Diaz & A-Rod Are Doomed

Hi, All, Celebrity-watching can tell us alot about OUR OWN relationships. Check out my comments below, and tell me how your relationship compares with this one:

Why Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez Are Doomed


Pop-Ed: Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez rekindled their romance over the Thanksgiving weekend with a steamy vacation in Mexico. According to US Weekly, the pair break up and then get back together all the time. Bad idea, guys! This relationship seems toxic, especially for Cameron, who at 38 should be focusing on a serious relationship instead of a fling with a serial womanizer. Our relationship experts say there is no way this couple is going to make it in the long run.

"A-Rod is just like Tiger, Tony Parker and all those athletes who have women in abundance and they can't resist sampling all the goods," says relationship expert Cooper Lawrence, author of 'Been There, Done That, Bought the Jewelry.' "He isn't looking to settle down again, he did that already and found it was not for him. When you date A-Rod, you have to know what you are getting into or else you're an idiot. He isn't long-term material, he is arm candy for holiday parties."

Cameron hasn't had the best track record at choosing men who will make good long-term partners. She famously dated both Jared Leto and Justin Timberlake way before the pair had finished sowing their wild oats.

"Cameron isn't exactly batting a thousand when it comes to love and, of course, A-Rod is the ultimate player. These two will definitely round the bases this holiday season but it will be a short-lived, holiday 'hunk'-erdown," says Match.com relationship expert Whitney Casey.

But why bother getting together for the holidays? Shouldn't this be a season of fun, merriment and drunken hook-ups at the ICM office party? Apparently not.

"Holiday time is synonymous with lonely time. The online dating sites are seeing record membership increases right now. Fears of being alone on each important holiday, and especially for that New Year's kiss, affect even the most independent singles," says relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle, author of '99 Prescriptions for Fidelity.' "So the Cameron/A-Rod merger is probably a good thing for them for now. But the holidays will end, A-Rod's hormones will probably reignite, Cameron will go off to do another project, and the couple will probably go the way of their past lovers. Falling in love for the holidays is equivalent to getting pregnant because you're lonely: a few months later you'll wonder, 'What was I thinking?'"

On that note, let's all say a collective prayer that Cameron and A-Rod are taking ... precautions during this holiday fling.

And maybe we're all making way too much out of two grown adults having some sexy time at the beach. Who says you have to be looking for serious love all the time anyway?

"I am not expecting any wedding bells in their future. Cameron Diaz has publicly dissed marriage and A-Rod has proven through his last marriage that he just isn't marriage material," says dating coach Tracey Steinberg. "I think this is a case of two gorgeous, rich and famous people enjoying each other for as long as the fun lasts."

Monday, November 15, 2010

My EX Is Bad-Mouthing Me!!

TODAY'S TIP:
Breaking up is not only hard to do, it's sometimes treacherous! Just because one person is ready to move on does not mean that his/her mate is. So how do some people ease the pain of a breakup? By continuing the chaos. Bad-mouthing of an ex is just one form of remaining together! Rise above it all, as I recommended below. I know, I know, it isn't easy. But it's the best way for YOU to keep your sanity.
Please let me know!!


My EX Is Bad-Mouthing Me!!


by

Dr. Gilda Carle (Ph.D.)

Courtesy of Match.com’s Happen Magazine

http://www.happenmag.com/magazine/index.aspx?lid=396



Dear Dr. Gilda
,
I’m a single mom who was dating a man for about 18 months. We met at our children's school. When we started dating, I was uncomfortable because his ex was around a lot and he complained bitterly about her, but things went smoothly. I finally broke up with him because it seemed he was being manipulated by his ex and his kids, and I couldn’t stand it anymore.


Six weeks after our breakup, he told me how much he missed me, and we reconnected. Although we did not establish that we were going to get back together, it seemed that was the direction we were heading.


Not even a week later, a friend emailed me this guy’s online profile. If that wasn’t humiliating enough, a few weeks later, another mom from school started pursuing him. I told him it was inappropriate to date yet another mother from the same school. On top of all that, I recently learned he has been spreading vicious rumors about me, as he did about his ex-wife. I do not call, email, text or even acknowledge him. How do I remedy this? I can’t stand the idea that he’s ruining my reputation at school.
Uncomfortable at School


Dear Uncomfortable at School,
It’s understandable for you to feel “uncomfortable,” if not angry. Here’s this “player” parent more interested in bagging school moms than in disciplining his children. Further, this guy chooses to fish off the same crowded pier, changing bait frequently in full view. Too bad you were caught in his net.


But every situation in life is meant to teach us something. Here are your lessons:


1. When you met this dude, he was bad-mouthing his ex. That’s one of my red flags for disaster. As my Gilda-Gram says, “If a date bad-mouths an ex, s/he will bad-mouth you.”


2. He is a “get-even” guy, angry that you dumped him. He would have made a horrible life partner—so look at how lucky you are now not to be with him.


3. After you dropped him, he manipulated his way back to you to exact revenge by luring other ladies before your eyes. You say, “He was being manipulated by his ex and his children.” So he, in turn, manipulates women he dates. He probably dislikes women, as well as himself. Oh, how lucky you are to be away from this guy!


You told him “it was inappropriate to date yet another mother from the same school.” Since he only wanted revenge, your scolding him was proof he had gotten to you. How happy this must have made him. Do you see what a sick game you were in? Where does that leave you now? Free and happy.


This is what I suggest:

1. Continue to ignore Player-Boy’s behavior and that of the woman he’s dating. What they do is not your business.


2. If you confront him again, this time over his nasty rumor-spreading, it may just give him additional gratification.


3. It’s wise to continue to distance yourself from that hotbed of drama until you have no feelings about the past. Time heals all wounds, but it also wounds all heels. He’ll eventually self-destruct.


4. As soon as you can manage, return to school functions with your head held high. Participate in the events that are important to you and your family. Don’t let him take that away from you. Chalk up your choice of this partner to a period of weakness.


When you can laugh it off, you’ll know it’s over for you. You can’t legislate against someone’s vicious tongue. Nor can you tell someone which people he can and cannot date. Read a man’s behaviors better next time, and be more discriminating. The bright side is that you would not have learned these lessons had you not experienced this pain. Pain is not fun, but it’s a valuable source of growth.
Love,
Dr. Gilda


XXX

DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.) is an internationally known psychotherapist, relationship educator, and management consultant. She is Match.com’s “Ask Dr. Gilda” advice columnist published on MSN.com. She is also known as the Country Music Doctor, with her “Country Cures.” She is a motivational speaker, professor of psychology & communications, the author of the well-known “Don’t Bet on the Prince!,” a test question on “Jeopardy,” 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity, How to Win When Your Mate Cheats, and many more. She was the therapist in HBO's Emmy Award winner, "Telling Nicholas," featured on Oprah, where she guided a family to tell their 7-year-old that his mom died in the World Trade Center bombing. She is currently developing her own TV show. Visit www.DrGilda.com and get her Instant Advice!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

WHY DID ALL MY EXES CHEAT??

Why Did All My Exes Cheat?

Reeling from a series of bad relationships, one woman wonders how to move forward.

by

DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.)

Courtesy of Match.com’s Happen Magazine

http://www.happenmag.com/magazine/index.aspx?lid=396



Dear Dr. Gilda,

I’m having a major run of bad luck. I had been married for 23 years when my husband said he was bored and didn’t want to be married to me anymore. It turns out he had been having an affair with a co-worker. A few months later, I met someone in the Air Force who was home on leave. I did not get sexually involved with the new guy until a month after my divorce, and we married a few months later.



I know now this was a rebound marriage, and it ended four months later, after I caught him having an affair with an old girlfriend—to top it off, he got her pregnant! I did have one new relationship two years after my second divorce, and it lasted eight months, but he decided to marry a woman from his church.


Dr. Gilda, what is my problem? I have trust issues. I’ve pulled myself out of the whole dating scene and now whenever a man shows me the slightest interest, I wonder, “OK, Bud, what are your real intentions?” I do admit to carrying some baggage still—anger and jealousy towards my ex-husbands. How do I work through my lack of trust and self-esteem?

Lonely In San Francisco


Dear Lonely,

Loneliness, distrust, anger, and jealousy are all obstacles to love. There’s nothing wrong with you except that you didn’t take time between marriages to discover your identity as an independent woman. When each husband cheated on you, you internalized it as something wrong with you. You still felt inadequate two years after your second marriage, when you established ties with another man who chose to marry someone else.


From the outside, it seems that each of these three men cast you aside for another woman. But you played a role in pushing each one out the door.


Let’s backtrack. You never did the necessary work to discover what went wrong in your marriage. Why was your husband bored? Were you bored, too, after 23 years? Did either of you try to recapture the waning passion? Instead of probing these questions, you licked your wounds with a military man only a few months later. You married him as an act of revenge against the husband who left you and as a way to bump up your self-confidence. Obviously, a revenge-marriage can’t work because it’s founded on the wrong things.


Good for you for pulling yourself out of the dating pool for now. That’s the healthiest thing you have done in a long time. But other actions must also be taken. While you’re alone, instead of complaining about your trust and self-esteem issues, acknowledge your past behavioral patterns. This is how:


1. Get into counseling with the goal of changing your “victim” mentality to that of “victor.”


2. Learn how far back you have been feeling angry and jealous. I would bet you had these feelings even before your first marriage—which probably impacted your marital derailment.

3. While you can lay blame on your men for cheating, also examine how you treated each guy. As my Gilda-Gram says, “For love to last, you must be invested in your partnership.” Can you describe yourself as being “invested” or just being in each relationship? Just being in a marriage is just drifting, and just drifting pushes a relationship to drift away.

4. Everyone brings something to the party. Distrust and shabby self-esteem make loving impossible. That’s how you may have pushed your partners out the door.

You signed your name, “Lonely in San Francisco.” Are you lonely enough to make some changes now? If so, these lessons were good lessons. The wonderful world of single life beckons you when you are finally ready.

Love,

Dr. Gilda




XXX

DR. GILDA CARLE (Ph.D.) is an internationally known psychotherapist, relationship educator, and management consultant. She is Match.com’s “Ask Dr. Gilda” advice columnist published on MSN.com. She is also known as the Country Music Doctor, with her “Country Cures.” She is a motivational speaker, professor of psychology & communications, the author of the well-known “Don’t Bet on the Prince!,” a test question on “Jeopardy,” 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity, How to Win When Your Mate Cheats, and many more. She was the therapist in HBO's Emmy Award winner, "Telling Nicholas," featured on Oprah, where she guided a family to tell their 7-year-old that his mom died in the World Trade Center bombing. She is currently developing her own TV show. Visit www.DrGilda.com and get her Instant Advice!